Ultrasound today showed I had the right size eggs on each ovary. 1 on each one! I am happy. I know it seems silly, but seriously I dont have periods, and certainly dont make eggs, or ovulate or any of that normal stuff. So I am happy. Dr sent us home to BD tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday. Praying for a BFP! I am hopeful. For so long I could say that I was hoping, but I was just saying that. Now I have hope again. HOPE. what a word.
Smiling, happy, hopeful, praying
Monday, May 7, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Hormonal
I cant even begin to describe to you how hormonal I have been the last few days... At various times I find myself in tears, overwhelmed by all these feelings.
Thursday our family came to visit and of course their healthy baby girl, (conceived only 6 weeks prior to my baby girl) came as well. I love my niece, goodness knows she has melted my heart more than a few times. She is a living reminder of everything I dont have.
So while she is paying on the floor I envision my baby Lilly playing her cousin as they would have been born just 6-8 weeks part. But this is not reality, as my baby is in heaven. We go to the park, and I see my little perfect baby niece and almost instantly I can picture my little girl with her cousin enjoying the swings as well... At dinner when my niece's little hands are grasping for food to put in her little mouth, I can see my little girl sitting next to her doing the same thing. I cannot look at her and not think of my baby Lilly.
Randomly these thoughts would emerge from my subconscious and tears would flow... I would try to fight them back as I have to be strong for everyone and want everyone around me to be comfortable..
So I fight back, and hold off until I am alone, until bedtime, until everyone is asleep and then I cry, then I pour out my heart, and I pray to Jesus to make me whole as only He can.
I have been on these fertility drugs for awhile now. This PCOS is killing me. I have been on a super strict low carb, low sugar diet and about 90% of the time I do really well and stick to it. I also have taken up running and exercise to try to get in the best shape I can be in. TTC is really taking it out of me. These fertility drugs though, last month I made these little eggs, so tomorrow I have another ultrasound and am praying that with this super strict diet and the double dose of clomid, that I will have made some real eggs. I am hopeful, and yet still in the back of my mind I am doubtful....
So prayers and hoping, praying...
hoping for the best, preparing for the worst....
Thursday our family came to visit and of course their healthy baby girl, (conceived only 6 weeks prior to my baby girl) came as well. I love my niece, goodness knows she has melted my heart more than a few times. She is a living reminder of everything I dont have.
So while she is paying on the floor I envision my baby Lilly playing her cousin as they would have been born just 6-8 weeks part. But this is not reality, as my baby is in heaven. We go to the park, and I see my little perfect baby niece and almost instantly I can picture my little girl with her cousin enjoying the swings as well... At dinner when my niece's little hands are grasping for food to put in her little mouth, I can see my little girl sitting next to her doing the same thing. I cannot look at her and not think of my baby Lilly.
Randomly these thoughts would emerge from my subconscious and tears would flow... I would try to fight them back as I have to be strong for everyone and want everyone around me to be comfortable..
So I fight back, and hold off until I am alone, until bedtime, until everyone is asleep and then I cry, then I pour out my heart, and I pray to Jesus to make me whole as only He can.
I have been on these fertility drugs for awhile now. This PCOS is killing me. I have been on a super strict low carb, low sugar diet and about 90% of the time I do really well and stick to it. I also have taken up running and exercise to try to get in the best shape I can be in. TTC is really taking it out of me. These fertility drugs though, last month I made these little eggs, so tomorrow I have another ultrasound and am praying that with this super strict diet and the double dose of clomid, that I will have made some real eggs. I am hopeful, and yet still in the back of my mind I am doubtful....
So prayers and hoping, praying...
hoping for the best, preparing for the worst....
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