still hard.

a year ago I was pregnant and miserable. nothing could go right, nothing. I had been put on maternity leave right as i entered the 2nd trimester. I was frustrated. I had managed to make a career and a decent living out of something I loved, something I was passionate about, and now I had to sit home doing nothing? no income coming in, nothing to do. Just hang out with my kids. I was not that kind of a mom. I had a career. I was focused. I was the bread winner. What were we gonna do without my income? Who was gonna pay the bills, rent? groceries? I cried and grieved over my job. sounds silly. I know. but I did. I cried and cried and wished not to be pregnant.

I cant believe that. I still cant. A year later knowing what i know now, I wish i could go back and tell myself to rejoice the life within my body.... maybe things would have ended up differently. I blame myself. I do. I grieved over a job, a job i dont have today. A job that was taken away from me just 6 months later. Yet i cried over a job and mourned over a career gone. I complained constantly about being pregnant, had terrible mood swings, and was constantly edgy. I am sure my family wished i wasn't hormonal as well.

A year later I would give anything for a positive pregnancy test. To rejoice and be daily amazed at the miracle that is life. To hear that little heartbeat, to see the little fetus wave and move on the ultrasound screen. To feel the little flutters of that infants kicks.  I would gladly take on heartburn, morning sickness, back aches, muscle pains, sore feet all for a precious child.

I still grieve over my little precious baby girl. Oh how different my life would be if she were in my arms.... or at least i like to think that..... Would i still be such a career driven woman? Would I prefer to be at work than to come home and listen to fighting children? I would like to say that I hope she would have changed me.

I know she has changed my life being gone. I cherish my children now more than anything, I realize what wonderful amazing little miracles they are. I may not be able to have more children. I try to savor the little things in life... the cuddling and tickle fights, to even helping them clean their room. a day will come when they wont want my help, wont need my help.

I value life, and pregnancy so much more. I guess i always felt that 'anyone' can get pregnant, seemed like such an easy thing. James and I weren't even trying to get pregnant and we ended up there. Yet now that its been a yr I desire a child, a rainbow after the storm. And we have been unsuccessful. (ok we did get pregnant, but miscarried in August)

a year has gone by, but that doesn't mean the pain is gone, nor the hurt. A yr has gone by yet that doesn't mean i dont miss her everyday.

making it 1 day at a time

I haven't been on much, the days start to run together, I just try to make it through them 1 day at a time. I am reading my Bible and trying to enjoy the simple things in life with my kids. Laughing and playing with them. Trying to enjoy them, enjoy the time I do have with them. I joined a gym and exercising has seemed to help me with some of my frustrations... although i still tend to eat my feelings. so this is me, just 1 day at a time. Making it.

I hate fridays

Warning, this post is mostly me venting and some TMI thrown in.

I hate fridays, hate them. Fridays were the days i had D&C done. Friday was the day i delivered my baby. You know 19 weeks and all the other pregnant mommies are waiting to hear what the sex of their child is.... I got to find out my baby has no heartbeat and is not is heaven.... still leaving me pregnant. I didnt want to do anything rash so we waited and i delivered my baby on a friday. And had a D&C done on a friday. Fast forward 7 months. I am pregnant again - very newly pregnant and am bleeding and spotting (been down this road before) So dr continue to do bloodwork and an ultrasound doesnt give us much hope. a few days later bleeding heavy and in fact my HCG numbers are dropping. D&C done on that friday.

I am emotional and a mess. And ppl dont like that so I put on a happy face and continue t live life. However am completely envious of everyone elses.... Do you know what 2 losses in a yr does to someone? I do. I am a zombie.... walking through life.  just here. barely feeling. barely living. just trying to make it through the day.
*SIGH*

so not much to say

I dont know what to say or do anymore. I feel like I have lost who I am. I have gone through so much in the last yr- yr and half and even then so much in my lifetime....

Part of me wants to rebel and do whatever I want to do, try to make me happy.... and i realize it is being selfish, but part of me wants to....Then I think about my amazing wonderful supportive husband.... and my dearest children - I would never purposely hurt them. And being that selfish would hurt them.

So here i am back to just getting through the day, just trying to make everyone happy. Certainly not making myself happy. I will be 30 soon and continue to think about all the milestones I have wanted to hit before i was 30.

Wanted to have all my children either by the time I was 30 or during my 30th yr.
Wanted to be in shape (cross that off - I continue to eat my feelings as I grieve over my lost pregnancies)
Wanted to be financially stable - this doesn't mean to be a millionaire or anything- just not living paycheck to paycheck
Wanting to be in college/done with college - guess i should have started this awhile ago as well.
I want a career, not just a job....

I guess as I continue to search for me as I continue to walk this road I will continue to strive for these goals.
I work hard to support my family.

after 2 losses....

I am staying out of the pit. I am doing everything I can to fight off depression and to stay out of that pit. (mostly eating my feelings) I am sad, upset, hurt, and of course jealous of anyone who is pregnant, anyone who is having/have had their baby and anyone who is fertile. It is not a fun road for me. I was excited, I should have been screaming and jumping for joy about my pregnancy, but I was still so hurt after losing Lillian that I kept this pregnancy close to me. Not many people knew I was pregnant.  I couldn't be excited. I couldn't think that a positive pregnancy test , even a blood test at the Dr office meant anything. I had to remind myself that pregnancies dont always equal babies.

Pregnancies dont equal babies. Isn't that sad, a sad statement and for me a true statement. Ok I had a baby, I delivered a baby girl at 19 weeks, but i didn't get to take her home. so pregnancies, for me, dont equal a baby at home.

I have 2 amazing boys, ages 9 & 4, and this journey I am continues to remind me that they are little miracles.Wonderful miracles. so thankful for them, so grateful for them!

I had the D&C on Aug 19. I had started miscarrying earlier that week, but wasn't really passing anything...  Then on Thursday I had an ultrasound done to confirm everything was good. During this the tech informed me I had poly-cystic ovaries. the Dr had mentioned this to me before and had talked about this condition, but never really every confirmed this. The tech confirmed this.

PCOS has many issues, mostly not having periods, not being able to lose weight, and cysts on the ovaries... there are other things that go along with it....for me the big thing that hit me was that these cysts on my ovaries, let my body send out eggs which aren't fully developed. So when we conceive my egg is not ready to go. therefore I miscarry. the mayo clinic website covers "abnormal fetal development" under PCOS.... and then you miscarry.  I think I may have found the culprit as to why I lost a baby at 19 weeks and now lost this pregnancy at 7 weeks.....

I am on meds, and need to diet, exercise and possibly take precaution with pregnancy. I dont want to be that person who has a dozen miscarriages. I have a ton of questions for the doctors.... and for now just trying to stay out of the pit.

D&C

I have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow morning @ 7 am. joy joy joy. Its a friday, my last D&C was a friday. My D&C are exactly 33 weeks apart. 33 weeks. Thats all. there are 52 weeks in a yr. My last 2 pregnancies have not been successful. I had my baby girl Lillian, she had already gone to heaven somewhere around week 18 and I delivered her at almost 20 weeks. and now at 7 weeks I am miscarrying, however I am not passing everything on my own. so now a D&C.

I want to mourn, I want to grieve, I want to cry, I have cried. I just dont want to end up in that pit again. I started counseling again. My first counselor I didn't feel very fond of, she gave me this "bad things happen to everyone" speech. I understood bad things happen to everyone, really i do, but that didn't help me handle my loss well, didn't help me grieve.  Didn't help me heal.

So the counselor i am seeing now is a christian company and the lady is a christian herself. Was nice, I went in and unloaded everything i could. Then we did talk about our savior and God and how satan is on the Earth, running rampant. People dont like to think he is, but he is.

Sad, hurt, but healing. I know I can get pregnant again. I mean I have had 2 pregnancy losses in less than a yr. This is probably the most fertile I have ever been. I will keep trying. I want to do Gods will, want to go where HE wants me to go. So I seek refuge in my Savior.

miscarriage

yup its true, I am/was pregnant. About 7 weeks. We hadnt told anyone because we knew another pregnancy after losing our Lillian was going to be hard. Emotional. Excited, Paranoid, anxious....  We knew a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean an infant for us.so we kept it on the down low for this reason.

 I started spotting last week, went to ER had blood tests run, HCG was low, real low for a 7 week pregnancy, more like a 2 week pregnancy. Thats ok, I was concerned and prepared for the worst, but figured i never had normal period, possibly was only 2-3 weeks pregnant. Then the ultrasound. It didn't show anything in the uterus, or at least that's what i was told. they didn't show me the screen, so i couldn't see for myself. Even then I hoped and prayed i was just too early to be showing anything yet. Maybe I was only 2-3 weeks pregnant, maybe nothing was showing up. I was sent home, with no official results. still technically pregnant. Continued to spot. and now today I woke up covered in blood... nice.

So today is rough for me. I already lost my Lillian, and now a miscarriage.

On a good note we got pregnant 6 months after losing Lillian so at least we know everything still works and we did have to use fertility drugs.

On a bad note I am miscarrying, hormonal, and was already headed into crazy town. I start counseling on wednesday so maybe they can help me with both of these losses.

this amazing man

I have an amazing husband... simply amazing.

We work opposite shifts and even opposite weekends. I see him daily but the quality time is not very much. Between church and work and scouts and our boys we dont get much quality time together. But he took advantage last night....... we were in the ER and my husband made that ER room such an amazing reconnecting spot for us. We talked (and not about dumb stuff) talked about our feelings and everything, from losing Lillian and the effect she had on me, to our jobs and what we should do now.

I loved it. I have an amazing husband he reminded me that he truly doesn't matter and that he wants me to be ok. You know what kind of love that is, to truly let yourself come second, to really put your spouse first. I used to do that, but have been stuck in this pit after losing my baby.

He had such an impact on me. The conversation, the love, the sincere desire for another human being, who you care about more than yourself, genuinely....

We didn't get good news in the ER, but that visit has changed my perspective and how I look at things now, thanks to my wonderful husband.

how much more?

I feel as if i am reaching a breaking point, I am already so broken and walk around with a smile on my face, and just try to make it through the day. why does EVERY DAY hurt though?

I have a hard time being around babies. around new moms. Its not their fault though right? I mean its not their fault they have a healthy baby while mine is in heaven. Its not their fault.

It doesn't matter that it isn't their fault, does that mean that what I am going through is my fault? that somehow i deserved this? Why? and why me? 

I don't love my family any less, despite all their fertility, in fact I would love it if my sisters and my moms would decide to be there for me. but they aren't. Everyone is so BUSY. I love it. Seriously you make time for what is important in your life. and I guess through your actions you show people what is important to you. I try to be the cool aunt and an awesome sister and try to help when I can. No one wants to walk this road. Its so hard for you all to imagine this path I am walking..... Imagining it is hard for you, but I am walking this road. And I have no choice, I cant get off this road now, whats done is done, I cant go back and get my baby girl. I cant bring her back from heaven..... I now have to live the rest of my life without my daughter.

out of the club....

You know when you aren't part of the clique? You aren't part of the group, you definitely dont fit in? Thats me.

I dont know how to describe it, I am sure we all have been there before, have visited this place right, the not fitting in place. the 'you dont belong here' place in our lives right. Well you may visit this place but i feel like i live there.

We have lived in the same town now for almost 5 yrs. And other than a few church acquaintances, I have no real friends. I have managed to scare them all away. I was doing good for awhile and then my little girl went to heaven and I visited crazy-town. So now I have no friends. nice right? I had some friends back in the town i grew up in but even they dont call, visit etc. I do my best to check in with them and visit them when i can, especially since we do go into town to visit family.... but none of them visit me or call.

and now I have a new job where the co-workers are nice and are trying to get to know me, but believe me, I dont fit in. I dont party, I dont drink and I am not in college. so once again I dont fit in.

Its hard for me cause I try - I call people, text people, invite people over and they dont return the phone call, wont accept the invitation to come over and they dont return my texts. Even family members.

 I am def not part of the club. A couple of my sisters are actual BFFs and they forget to include me.They have this exclusive club, and I am not a member. I love each sister individually, but get them together and well I am forgotten cause I am not in their club.

oh well that's my complaints tonight.

deleting?

Thinking about deleting my Facebook account, apparently my friends on FB think I have been wallowing in my daughters death. Nice huh. Maybe I am, maybe I just need better support around me. Telling me to get over it sure is good therapy. Right? sure has been helpful. Maybe you should walk along side me when I have those bad days and help point out the good days. My bad days haunt me. It isnt like I have had an easy peasy life. I have baggage which doesn't help.but I am trying, except I post/blog only on my bad days.

so thinking, maybe i do post negative too much on FB. Maybe it has become an outlet for me. Where I want friends and family to know how much pain I am in. Maybe. Maybe cause I dont know how to move forward. Is moving forward mean I am suppose to forget my baby girl? I hurt, daily, and have reminders daily of my baby girl.

but apparently there is some sort of "time table for grieving mothers" that I have never been shown.And apparently I am wallowing. I am unsure of this. Its only been 7 months. My friends and family members have their babies, they are raising their infants. Mine is not here. I dont get to see her, hold her, nurse her, watch her, care for her, bathe her, rock her, dress her...... I hurt so much and grieve over my loss. I have a beautiful crib in  storage and other baby misc stuff in storage.

Praying for comfort, for peace. I know my baby girl is in Heaven I rejoice for her. She will never know the pain of life other than her short time in the uterus... she never grows old, never hurts, never ever feels any pain.... however along with the pain in life comes the amazing moment in life. Like when your child smiles for the first time. and your heart swells in excitement. I will never know that. So many firsts that I grieve over.

So anyway I must be wallowing, all my friends think so, you know all those friends who have never buried their child......

stop complaining

I am trying, daily. To think positive. To think of what good I have in this life rather than always focusing on what I dont have. It isnt easy. I have so many reminders.... so many reminders of what i dont have - my baby girl. I hurt a lot. And although it isnt your fault that you haven't had this happen to you, I may take my anger out on you. I dont understand why I have to walk this path, why i had my daughter taken away from me, yet others have their babies. Every single pregnant person who was pregnant when I was has their baby. Why me? So I have issues, i hurt, i get mad easily. I am trying though. trying to look at what i do have.

 An amazing husband who puts up with so much from me - (mostly emotional ramblings) my husband who cares, loves and is so supportive. My boys. Jay is an amazing little guy who is growing up too fast. 4th grader too soon! Scouts and soccer and basketball and he tells everyone about Jesus. Everyone.It is amazing to see him witness to others. I love him so. My Andy is 4 and is so rambunctious, so rowdy so rough, and ALL boy.He loves to wrestle, loves to play video games and loves to cuddle. he loves to let his mommy read for hours to him. such an amazing smart boy.

And although I hurt I had 19 weeks with an angel. My Lillian. 19 weeks and for last few weeks I would lay in bed and let her kick, and purposely let my bladder fill up and hold it, just to feel her kick, so bitter sweet. Dr told me i would miscarry her at 7 weeks pregnant. I didnt then. not till 19 weeks 5 days did i deliver her. I remember the ultrasound where we finally saw the flicker of a heartbeat, and finally go to hear the miracle of life, our child's heart beat. i loved ultrasounds, because we were high risk I had one done every few weeks and although we didnt get pictures everytime (I wish we would have) I have those memories. I can still see her kicking and waving and stuff.

So I am trying. Trying to look at what i do have. keep praying for me cause I know Satan will attack me and try to keep me down. I am broken, and I am hurting, but I have a lot to live for. and i cannot wait to see my baby girl in Heaven

this should be called.....

Casey complains a lot. Yes I should change the name from "this crazy life" to "Casey complains" But oh well dont read it then.

I get frustrated so easily. It look as if others have plans and their plans may hit a few pot holes but they have a fairly decent road to travel on and it looks like they are driving just fine. My road is full of U turns, and Dead ends - and I am not driving, I am walking this road. Daily. I get frustrated. I wanted to go back to college, but I can afford it, so I cant. even if I could take out loans and stuff I need a thousand dollars first. Not gonna happen.

so I continue to work at a job I like most days and pay my bills and do my best.

 "Whatever you do work at it with all your heart as for working for the Lord, not man. Colossians 3:23

I however am tired of being the bread winner, know what happens when the woman earns more money - it all goes under when she goes on maternity leave, medical leave etc.

I worked hard and put my husband through college, he has a college degree that he is not using. I get frustrated. very frustrated.

Other people around me are getting pregnant and having twins and are not even trying. I am on meds, I exercise, I diet, I count days, take tests, check cervical mucous, I am trying here. I have lost 20 lbs. I am working hard at getting pregnant. Everyone around me is easily getting pregnant, and those that are pregnant are having their babies and bringing them home from the hospital. My baby went from the hospital to a funeral home.

I am trying so hard because somewhere deep inside me I blame myself for my daughters death.   Yes I have these thought because my child died, and I wonder if it was my fault.

So I feel that I need to have another baby to know it wasnt me. That it isnt my fault. that it was Gods plan and that my rainbow will come after the storm passes.

counseling

It is sad to say that my son has had more counseling appts than I have. I want nothing more than to protect my children. Protect them from bullies, and abuse, and name calling. I want them to grow up in a home that is built on ROCK. We live for Jesus and try to show others Jesus love. I try to give my children everything I didn't have growing up. a safe place. SAFE. where no one is getting drunk and forgetting what they did to you.

Anyway James and I went to counselling today, for our son. We discussed what we want out of these visits, what we are hoping he will achieve by seeing a counselor. My son has had more counseling in the last 6 months than I have had in my entire life. (Entire life and believe me I could fill a book about the crap that has happened to me) Anyway it was hard. I had to admit to my sons therapist that I have not been seeing a counselor, that we as a culture think we should just get over stuff and just be happy already. People dont want to hear if I am having a bad day and missing my baby so much I want to die. I dont feel like I have solid support around me. Half my friends and family have had babies within the last year or two. so no one wants to hear me cry over my baby.

 Its been almost 7 months. People dont understand. the moment you take that test your life is forever changed. Wether you carry that child to term, or have a miscarriage just a few weeks later. The moment you know this little pink person in coming into your life.... it is forever changed. Images of chubby cheeks and toothless smiles fill your mind, of that baby smell, of swaddling, cuddling, and rocking for days on end. And when it is taken away from you - you feel lost. My womb is empty, my arms ache and I have a crib in storage that has never been used by me.

I envisioned spending my summer engrossed with an infant. And trying to juggle my two amazing boys with the demands of a newborn. I envisioned nursing, and singing and dancing. And laughing!! oh the laughing and smiles a new baby brings into your life.

I miss it all. I hurt, my heart is heavy.

Texas

So my son is on his way to Texas. He wanted to go see all the family we have in Texas and my sister in law is moving there so it worked out well and saved me some money. So he has only been gone 24 hours. It is different for me, I know he is ok, but he is a thousand miles away.  He has stayed at grandmas house for a week or longer and not even called me, text me, etc. I wasn't too upset and didn't miss him terribly. This time, it has only been 24 hours and I miss him terribly, my heart aches for my little boy. I know I cant get to him (easily). Would take a very expensive plane ride, or a 24 hour car ride to get to him.

Its different this time. I miss him. He has been sending me text messages telling me how much fun he is having and they have been driving this whole time. Cant wait for all the fun he will have when he gets to see rest of his cousins, grandma and grandpa and rest of his aunts and uncles.

Love you JJ and miss you. Glad you are having fun!

saying goodbye

I dont like to say good bye, it hurts. You dont know when you will see that person again. Life is crazy..... things happen, you may never see that persona again in this life. I know that is a horrible way to think but it is how I think. So I have family leaving soon. I dont like it, I may not see them for a year or two. It hurts. Especially when you think about all those great memories you have and how often you were able to see them. And how often you will see them from now on. And what great friends your family is. *SIGH*  So I am dealing the best way I can, trying to look at the positive. I have one more vacation spot to go to.

For me it gets personal, especially when this individual has been there for you so much in the last year. Yes I keep whining about the last year. It was a rough year for me. So I am grateful for this person and their friendship and their encouragement. I am grateful to her for all the talks and texts and visits. For letting me be the cool aunt and buy their kids ridiculous items like nail polish for a 3 yr old (and she ruined her skirt with it). I love being cool aunt and spoiling the kids.... I will miss you seester!

for my husband!

to my hubby

this picture was taken back in 1997 - we had just started dating

Ten years. Can you believe it? Some days I cant. Other days it feels like we have been married forever. I cant think of the right words to express my love and appreciation for you and all you do for me, for your family.

We have been through a lot the last few years, Heck the last ten years. I am thankful you stuck through it with me. Deciding to try to fix our marriage and try counseling - it would have been easier to walk away. To put each other and our family back in priority

Standing by me as we endured what we have in the last year. Being supportive and helpful as I recovered from a broken tail bone. 

Being amazing and helping during our last pregnancy. Standing by my side the entire time while we went through a tumultuous time with our daughter. 

I dont think I could have gone on. Many days I didn't want to get out of bed, face the day.... and you were there. Holding me, being loving, and caring. Thanks doesn't seem like enough. Thats all I can do is Thank you and love you back every day.

I love you James. I love you for you, not who you want to be,or who you think you need to be, but I love you for you. For the sweet, caring, compassionate man who wakes up next to me everyday. For the great father and good cook you are. For the spiritual leader in our home. For the sensitive man who cried at the birth of all our children. I love you!

I love you. 10 years. Cant wait to see what the next ten hold.

Wedding Day 7-13-2001

new adventures

We are waiting. waiting to get pregnant, waiting for good jobs, waiting for opportunities to move. Waiting. I am not a patient person. However my husband is amazingly patient, and almost has a laid back approach to everything. He rarely gets upset and rarely rushes. And he doesn't mind waiting. He definitely is more patient than I am.

I want things to happen now.

I dont like that I am not pregnant yet. I was hoping to get pregnant a few months after losing our baby girl. Hasn't happened yet. I get tired of counting days, doing period math, checking for ovulation signs, taking those ovulation tests and having intercourse like it is a chore. However I want to get pregnant. but I am not patient, I continue to hope it happens every month and every month when my period comes I am devastated.

I am not a hundred percent sold on my new job, I dont like that. I would like to go back to school, but you cant go today or tomorrow you have to wait and save up money and pay off debt before you go back to college.  I would also love to find a better job, I have been applying for the last few weeks, but haven't heard anything. I am not patient.

I am ready for things to change, change I can control though. Last year I didn't have a chance to have control. I couldn't control what happened to my baby girl, I couldn't control breaking my tail bone. So some good change would be nice.

I believe in free will, I do. God has given us free will, choices we are allowed to make, changes we are allowed to do - all within his Holy and Perfect Will. Praying some of these changes are in His will and that HE will lead us where we are to go.

cards I have been dealt

So this blog is mostly venting, feel free to skip and not read this. 


I should be use to this by now. Life never goes my way and apparently God is trying to teach me something because this happens to me over and over and over again. AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And obviously I am not smart enough to learn my lesson I have to live like this....


I shouldn't wallow and maybe it is time fore some counseling. I have had a rough year, a rough year. I broke my tail bone last summer and was off work. What do you do when you are the bread winner and you cant move because you broke your tail bone. nothing, you lay around and do physical therapy. and get super far behind in bills and rack up those medical bills....


Then amazingly PT works and I go back to work and AMAZINGLY  I- who has no fertility gets pregnant. fantastic miracle. Really blessed. really!! And for the fist couple weeks it is touch and go and my blood numbers (HCG numbers) are up and down and up and down and the dr calls to tell me I will probably have a miscarriage at 7 weeks. Miraculously I go to the ER and everything is fine, in fact my baby has a heartbeat, and looks perfect. Then a few more weeks go by and more complications. Then taken off work. Then at 18 weeks 6 days pregnant we find out the baby has no heartbeat. Then at 19 weeks 5 days I deliver my baby girl. See I have boys, I have been raising boys so I marveled at a little girl. And I feel the loss every day. Every day I have to live without my daughter I hurt, EVERY DAY!


So now when dumb little things happen I cant get through it. Cause I am carrying this around. so when things like-- not being able to see my family off -- I get upset cause I cant go and see them. Family members are moving and I cant go, cause I am the bread winner and I have to work. I have to work, no one will switch with me, no one will trade, and I have no personal time, vacation time cause I am too new. So I cant go. I dont get to see my family move to Texas. I have only visited Texas once. 1 time since rest of the family moved. 1 time in 5 yrs. once. So chance are I wont be visiting them. I will have to wait for them to come up and visit us. 


So I get frustrated when any little thing happens, things dont go my way, Life happens, I cant deal with it, I cant handle the let downs in life. 


I get annoyed to see other people succeed when I have worked so hard and done so much for others to stand back and watch them succeed. When do I get to? I worked just as hard to put my husband through school, where is my degree? oh wait I dont get one, I didn't attend classes. Doesn't matter that I have worked and worked and worked 50-60 hour weeks for years and missed out of so much stuff, so many activities, so many plays, ceremonies, games. Cause I have to work, cause I am the bread winner.


This is my Life.

keep it in check

I dont know that I care to be all emotional,  female hormones out of control.  I dont have normal periods, but the dr put me on meds so every month I have one now. Means several times a month I get super emotional and cant even control my own emotions from running away with me.

So I am trying to keep them in check and to remain positive. Focus on God and my family and just do my best. Thats all I can do. I cant change the situation around me. I am stuck, but I can change my perspective and to focus on other parts of my life. Such as my awesome husband, and my amazing children :)

frustrated

I am frustrated, irritated with life. I work full time job and am trying my best to be positive and to stay positive. I work hard to pay the bills and I make ok money, nothing great but it pays the bills and is more than what my husband makes. I am so frustrated right now, for years I have worked ad worked and worked and put my husband through school and now that I would like to go back to school I cant. He has a college degree and cant do anything with it. years of college and although my name is not on the degree- it should be-- goodness, I worked just as hard as he did to get it. So now I am still working and working and working, cause I make the money. I pay the bills and now that I want to go back to school I cant. So I am feeling stuck.Stuck here in a so-so job. Stuck in this apartment cause I am paying off debt. Stuck. this sucks

sorry I am trying not to complain but sometimes I just gotta vent

A Poem Of You Tell On Yourself...

You Tell On YOURSELF By Friends You Keep
By Simple Very Manner In Which You Speak
By How You Employ Your Leisure Time
By How You Spend Your Dollar And Dime

You Tell On Yourself By Things You Wear
By Spirit In Which Your Burdens Bear
By The Things At Which You Laugh
By Music You Play On Your Record Player

You Tell On Yourself By The Way You Walk
By Things In Which You Delight To Talk
By The Manner In Which You Bear Defeat
By So Simple A Thing As How You Eat
By Books You Choose From Well Filled Shelf
By Dumb Or Great Poem That You Write

In These Ways More You Tell On Yourself
So,There Is No Particle Of Sense 
In Effort To Keep Up False Pretense...
Make Peace With Your False Pretense!

Author Unknown

run away

Some days I want to run away. I mean it. 


People dont understand that losing my child has made me a different person, someone I dont even know, or recognize myself. I feel the desire to run. To do something different in life, to see and to do.


 I feel trapped. 


I cant identify this urge or why I am having it. I just feel the need to try different things and to actually feel like I am living again. Most days I just go through the motions and try to make it through the day. That is my goal -- make it through the day. 


Lately I see people around me living their life and am jealous. they take chances, they do the unexpected, and yet I see them succeed. 


Why do I feel as if life is passing me by?  That I am stuck here.... forever. 


Maybe it is all of life's expectations on us? We all are trying to achieve the "American Dream" so we spend our days working long and hard and for what?


~Wanting to live~

church

Well church today was interesting not the normal sermon you expect to hear - or maybe it was the twist the minister put on the sermon. Normally when you hear the verse "Take up your cross and follow me - Anyone who keeps his life will lose it; and anyone who loses his life for me shall find it again. What good is it if you gain the whole world but lose your soul? " (Matthew 16:24-26)

Normally you think - ah I need to prioritize better, put God first, not be so materialistic. (which are all good things to do, really)

Today they spoke about the fact that to literally pick up your cross - Jesus's cross was His suffering and His death for OUR SINS -HE predicted His suffering and His death on the cross. Literally meaning take up your suffering and possible death for Jesus.

They talked about why we suffer here, and that in it we cannot know why, but our heavenly father knows why. That as we cry out to Him - He knows what is better for out, for our soul, for Eternity.

I pictured this as us being toddlers - in the midst of whatever we are going through we may throw a fit when we want something and dont get our way, However as parents we can see the bigger picture and that as long as my child is safe I will let them throw a fit and not get their way, for their own good.

I thought about myself and what I have been going through. (yes I am pretty selfish, I think about myself a lot, especially while I am grieving) Losing my daughter at almost 20 weeks pregnant and having to endure watching other people pregnant and all of them having healthy babies. I have let my grieving turn into bitterness. However if I am bitter I cannot let my Lord heal me. For whatever reason I need to endure, persevere and suffer through this. I need to cry out to my Heavenly Father and let Him heal me. I pray that although I am throwing my tantrum now because I have not gotten my way I pray God will bless me in the future and will use this situation to bring Glory to Him.

more later!

6-29-11

Most nights I cant sleep, or I cry myself to sleep.... I think about my baby girl and how different my life would be with her in it. I know she is in heaven and cant wait for the day to hold her again, but I cant get over my loss. People around me have their babies. About a dozen people I know all had their babies within the last yr and they all have their babies. My baby is in heaven. Its only been 6 months. I still hurt.

Honestly I thought by now I would have gotten pregnant (not that my children are replaceable or interchangeable) but figured that getting pregnant would give me something to focus on and would help with my healing. Having a successful pregnancy would ease my mind and remind me that it wasn't my fault, would help me realize that I am not being punished for some sins or some wrong doing.

But here I am 6 months later, not pregnant and frustrated with life.

Jan 5, 2011

The day we buried my baby girl was one of the hardest days of my life, looking back I think I was in shock at the fact we were going through this. Having a service for her, a small graveside service, and a luncheon afterwards as well. The church we attend was very wonderful and helped us through all of this. January 5, 2011 - an amazing beautiful day, there was no snow and a very mild day for January. I remember standing there greeting people, having them sign in - I have a memorial booklet for my daughter. Everyone saying how sorry they were, all the hugs. We played "Heaven is the face" by Steven Curtis Chapman. the music started and everyone had been seated. I asked for my sons to sit by me, and my husband, my boys and I sat in the front row. Listened while the pastor talked about how much Jesus loves the little children. How amazing things had worked out and my baby girl brought into this world naturally (rather than having a D&C preformed-which i didnt want done) how God had given us a chance to hold our baby if only for a few moments on Earth. I appreciated the sermon and all the friends and family that came out to support us. Definitely in shock that day. As the days grow on I realize I have to live the rest of my life without my baby girl. 

 The tiny tiny casket

 the only picture i have with all my children in it, and my baby girl is IN the casket

 Pastor Doug giving the sermon

 My husband and my son with her casket

 the boys at the graveside service

Beautiful Lilly flowers for my Lilly

BBQ

So a friend from church had a BBQ and we went, Its just weird for me. I carried my child for 18 weeks (alive) felt her kicking, felt her moving, and saw her amazing little body on the ultrasound screen kicking, moving and waving. Then at 19 weeks 5 days I delivered her and had to bury her.  Being around friends who have babies and being around pregnant people is incredibly hard for me. How am I suppose to be happy for you when I lost my child? When I buried my baby? When I should be standing there with you holding my little girl?


My husband and I are trying to get pregnant and every month is practically torture for me. The counting of days, the waiting, the testing, and then the period still comes... And today I am on my period. So at a BBQ with a dozen women who either are pregnant or just had their babies (within the last 6 months) How am I suppose to feel? I am hurt, so unbelievably hurt. I go to the same church as these women, I believe in the same almighty God as they do, and yet they are holding their baby and I am not. And because it is human nature, I wonder what I have done wrong, what I did to deserve this? To be at an event and to see so many happy pregnant and postpartum women in one place. I believe my Lord has a plan for all of us, and I just wish I understood what my role was in this, and why my life has been thrown so many curve balls.


I am grieving, very much so. Its only been 6 months. 6 months since they told me they couldn't find her heartbeat. 6 months since I had to stomach that I may not get to deliver a healthy baby girl and to take her home with me. 6 months.... and my life has been so much different than I EVER would have imagined it. People dont understand, not really. Sure they can sympathize, but it only lasts so long and then they think you should have moved on. How can I move on? Every day I live without my baby. Every day!


I am trusting in my Lord, and every day I try - just to make it through the day.

Ten Commandments For A Grieving Parent

Ten Commandments For A Grieving Parent

1) You shall Not tell them * To get on with there lives

2) You shall not tell them * Be Strong for Youir Family

3) You must not tell them * You Have Other Children

4) You Must Not Tell Them * To Forgive

5) You Must Not Tell Them * There In A Better Place

6) You Must Not Tell Them * To Stop Crying

7) You Must Not Tell Them* To Let Go And Let Them Rest

8) You Must Not Tell Them * I Know How You Feel

9) You Must Not tell Them * You Need Closure 

10) You Must Either Be My Friend And Stand By Me Or Leave Me Alone,

I'll Grieve As Long As I Want Thank you For Understanding 

~A Grieved Parent 

Poem from my angel

My mom is a survivor,

or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying

when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night.

and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her

to help her understand.

But like the sands upon a beach

that never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom

who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others, 

a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's open door,

I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with my death,

to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her

knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom

through Heaven's open door...

I try to tell her that

Angel protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her,

or ease the burdens she bears.

So if you get a chance, call to her

And show her that you care.

For no matter what she feels,

my surviving mom has a broken heart

that time won't ever heal.

~K. D'Ormeaux

12-31-10 (disclaimer -this gets graphic)

 had not been feeling well for the last few days, had found out that the precious baby I was carrying had gone to Heaven around Christmas. I continued to carry this baby as a D&C was "aborting" the "products of conception" and I could not do that.  So for several days I had started cramping and bleeding even. I had gone to the ER a few nights but every time they sent me home saying I was not bleeding heavy enough and was not miscarrying yet. Practically torture.... to know that your child has gone to Heaven and yet here I was still carrying her, not knowing what would happen, when it would happen, how it would happen, having never experience any type of miscarriage ever..... all I had heard were others stories of first trimester losses.... Where you pass lots of clots, where there was never a heartbeat, where you miscarry in the first trimester.... I had heard of second semester miscarriages, but those were so rare. No one I knew had ever gone though one.  

So the dr had prescribed me Vicodin for the pain, the cramping. I had started cramping severly heavy. I called the Dr and the OB... both told me not to come in until I was bleeding heavily. So I endured the worst cramps, and told them I did not want to deliver this baby at home, they assured me that would not happen, that at 19 weeks pregnant once I started bleeding heavily they would go in and perform the D&C. 

So at 12:30 pm on Dec 31st, new yrs eve, I began to cramp so unbelievably bad, yet the dr office and Ob continued to remind me that i was to not come in again until I started bleeding heavily. So Vicodin, and Ibuprofen were taken. still cramping, trying to keep busy, started making lunch, and felt a gush of fluid. I call the Ob to let them know I had finally started bleeding heavily and that we were gonna be on our way in. I run to the bathroom and use the bathroom, and feel yet another gush. My water breaking. I keep wiping to clean up as best as i can to get ready for the hospital. And ask James for help.... And there he tells me as I hover over the toilet... That our angel baby is hanging between my legs, by her umbilical cord.  I break down and cry and panic, this is not how this is suppose to happen. I was to deliver in a hospital, not over my toilet. I was suppose to have nurses and dr around me, I was suppose to deliver in May, a healthy baby, just like my boys. James calls the Ob nurses and lets them know what happened and they talk him through cutting the cord and wrapping up our baby. It is then James cuts the cord and realizes we had a baby girl. a baby gilr who was no longer with us, a baby girl who had gone to heaven, our longed for.... baby girl... finally a baby girl... as we have 2 boys and so desired a little girl to complete our family.... and here she was 20 weeks early... so tiny, so little and had gone to Heaven.

Lillian Grace Crawford born on 12-31-10 @ 1:15 pm weighing only 1.4 ounces and only 6 inches long. with footprints smaller than tinkerbell's....

We wrapped her up and attempted to go to the hospital, I grabbed several towels to sit on as the bleeding was so heavy... and i still had an umbilical cord hanging between my legs. As we arrived at the ER I get into a wheelchair and announce myslef so that I could be seen right away. "I just delivered my baby at home" i yell so that I could get attention... An umbilical cord hanging is not comfortable at all.  Amazing, I had 4 nurses rush to help me, help me check in, get me to a room, take the baby, and get me settled in. 4 nurses... apparently all you have to do is yell and let them know you delivered your baby at home....

We spent the next several hours holding our baby girl. they had no surgeons on at this time, nor a surgical team, as it was new yrs eve. We spent several hours holding her, taking pictures, getting her footprints taken, making her funeral arrangements. A few hours that I cherished in hindsight, but was hurting so much. Dr had taken care of my physical pain yet I still felt so much turmoil. And yet at the same time so much peace. I got to hold her, had we had the D&C done we would not have gotten this chance.... And I would have always wondered about the D&C... had I really terminated her? This way My heavenly Father gave me peace by letting me deliver her and not have to have the D&C done until after delivery. At the same time so much hurt, I had delivered a baby, people may call her a miscarry, but I delivered her, I gave birth to her. Other moms get to take their babies home after delivery... mine was going to the funeral home. 

I hurt, I grieve, I mourn for my baby, my little girl, my Lilly. My Lilly, my baby who was due in May, who should have been born in May.  Instead she was born too early, 20 weeks too early. Yet she had 10 fingers, 10 toes, she had extra skin on her kneecaps, and her ears and eyes and nose were formed (tiny but formed) she had 2 arms, 2 legs, a long torso and was just perfect, especially for her only being 6 inches long... what a tiny little angel. 

I finally went in for a D&C around 4:30pm. The hardest part about surgery was right before we had to give our baby to one of the nurses to never look at her again... to never hold her again, to never stare at the miracle she was/is. So glad they knocked me out so I don't have to remember surgery. Surgery took about 30 minutes and was actually easy. Within 20 minutes of waking up from surgery they sent me home. 

And I left the hospital not pregnant and with no baby.... To go home and stare at the crib that never got used, and the car seat that was never used... and the millions of baby books that I no longer needed.  Then I walked into my bathroom and remember only hours before I had delivered my baby girl in this very same bathroom. I sobbed and laid down on my bed and knew I would never feel her kick again for I had given birth to her and she was no longer in my womb. 

I don't remember sleeping, I don't remember eating, I only remember the hurt, the lying around crying, sobbing, mourning, grieving for my little angel baby.

12-27-10

Had to make it through the day, I continued to pray for a miracle, but prepare for the worst.... I bargained with my Lord, praying that I would have this child, no matter what would be wrong with her, I would take care of her. No matter what I wanted this baby and promised to be more dedicated to my Lord. I was bargaining,even trying to negotiate with Him...

I had been off work for about 8 weeks now and this whole time I had no income coming in.... that day my disability insurance company called me and let me know they would finally cover me, finally cover the pregnancy and would even cover rest of the pregnancy, the delivery, and maternity leave. In an instant I knew my child had died. I broke down and sobbed and prayed I was wrong. I told my Lord I did not want the money, it meant nothing to me, that all I wanted was my child. My little girl who I had seen only 2 weeks before happy, healthy, on the ultrasound screen, with a strong heartbeat.... I wanted my child.

In that phone call I knew (I have no idea why, but I knew.... )

Later that day I waited for my mom and my husband to get off work so that we can see the ultrasound tech and get an update on our baby. See what was happening. We prayed and hoped for human error, that my child was ok, and the the dr were wrong again as they had been during my first trimester.

At the office I laid on the table and cried, I knew what they would find.... After several minuted she told me the news. "I can't find a heartbeat" But wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound to be sure.... so I used the bathroom and cried.... while the tech switched instruments... again se said she could not find a heartbeat. She said the baby was very little, and had very low fluid, and then handed me a tissue. She called my Dr who offered to see me that day.

I cried on the way to his office, I cried walking down the hall, I cried looking at all those other pregnant women... I cried staring at the baby photos. I tried to make sense of what the Dr was telling me.... My child had died - at 19 weeks pregnant.... It is so unlikely he tells me (like that is suppose to comfort me). I have serveral choices, have a D&C the next day, wait for my body to naturally deliver (however long that could take, up to weeks he said), or have a D&C the next week.

I had to sign paperwork agreeing to a D&C, I did not want to continue being pregnant for weeks and weeks, carrying my child around knowing my baby had already gone to heaven and yet carrying her around, continueing to look pregnant and be tortured by having already lost her? No I didn't want to do that, I don't think it would have been good for my mental health. So we signed up for the following tuesday, I had to sign papers agreeing to "abort" the "product of conception" So nice, this "product of conception" had had a heartbeat only a few days before, and had been seen on screen kicking and moving, Mommy and Daddy had even felt her flutters and kicks..... and here I was agreeing to this procedure to terminate.... I felt so unbelievably sick to my stomach... How could this happen to me? I have 2 amazing children, why would I stay pregnant through the first trimester only to loose her now at 19 weeks? And then to have to agree to abort her??

James and I were in shock, luckily my mom agreed to take my kids out to dinner so James and I could talk. We discussed our feelings breifly... and just held each other. And sobbed. How were we to tell our boys? Andy and Jay had prayed for twin girls, they thought 2 boys and 2 girls would be prefect size family....We knew we were having 1 baby but didn't know she was a girl....yet....

I let James know how upset I was over having to have this procedure done, and that what if the drs were wrong? accidents happen, miracles happen what if we aborted our baby? we agreed that we would ask for another ultrasound the morning of the D&C to triple check and triple confirm.... I could not have felt ok going through with a D&C not knowing......

My mom brought the boys home and we had to tell them. Well actually I let James tell them... I sat in my room and prayed and cried and prayed.... How could this happen to me? After everything I had endured in my life, when do I get a miracle? when do I get the fairy tale ending? when do I get to have an easy life? Everyone else looks so perfect.... and mine....  is such a mess.....

James told the boys and Andy came running into my room and told me to stop crying over the baby cause I looked like I was a crybaby.... LOL he made me laugh. He let me hug and kiss him and cuddle with him... I thank the Lord for my boys.

the next few days are a blur, I remember lying around and eating some days and not eating others... I remember crying and cramping and wanting to not hurt so bad.... the kids were on christmas break I couldnt even get a moment alone, to myself, to grieve for my baby..... I had my boys to take care of....  then came new yrs eve.....

12-26-10

So woke up and went to church and I prayed and cried through church... I just kept thinking My Lord my savior will come down and rescue me from this fate. He saved me through this first trimester of this pregnancy, HE will do it again... and yet I continued to struggle and I remember breaking down and sobbing, just sobbing in the middle of church and trying to expain to people why I was acting so weird. I kept praying for a miracle and yet I was preparing for the worst.

Later that day we went to Christmas get together at my mom and dads house. I remember feeling so loved by my family, they laid hands on me and prayed for me, and I again sobbed. I had an ok Christmas with my family, but in the back of my mind I continued to pray and hope for a miracle for my baby.

I was still off work as well, and I remember not caring about my job anymore, not caring about finances, not caring about almost anything.... here I was facing the death of my unborn child and little mattered to me in those days.... the uncertainty of it all, the not knowing. The praying, the wishing, the hoping for a miracle.

Dec 25, 2010 - my story

Christmas day, what a beautiful day!! Home with my husband and 2 rowdy boys and was happliy pregnant!! I had some complications and was off work.... and had struggled with that for awhile, but my Lord had taught me sooo much while on medical leave. Like my job is a job, not my idol, and He will take care of us no matter what. We went 10 weeks with no income from me and we had generous help from our church family. I learned my family should come before my job. i learned so much while off work....

I got to visit my sister in law and enjoy my neices and nephews and learned that if i keep my bladder full longer, little lilly would kick like crazy. I would do it on purpse just to feel those precious flutters. I didn't have an easy pregnancy but I did treasure those moments.... At about 7 weeks pregnant the dr called to tell me I would have a miscarriage, I spent an entire weekend crying, and praying and finally when I couldn 't take it anymore I went to the ER and they found her heartbeat and said everything was fine.

So Christmas was nice, simple, quiet, just me and the hubby and my boys. And I was pregnant.... That night after dinner I started to feel weird. Like I was in labor but I was only 19 weeks. weird, so we went to the ER and they took me to OB, there the nurses hooked me up to machines and I was not in labor, just severe cramps. They could not find the babys heartbeat on the doppler, so they brought in an ultrasound machine and paged my dr. They looked for my baby and saw she was little for her age, and had low amniotic fluid, she also had a very very faint heartbeat, almost unseen.... the dr told me the bad news, I cried but kept my faith. My Lord had brought me through this news before. So I left not know what the future held. I prayed and prayed that the Lord would again save my pregnancy. I dont have periods and each of my children are miracles to me.....

cant sleep

So I am sure many people cant sleep at night.... I have too much on my mind. Thoughts,emotions,doubts, life... how did it get so crazy? I remember growing up thinking that Life would be more like those Disney movies. My prince rescues me and we live happily ever after. Right?  Granted I married my prince, but life has been far from a fairy tail. I may as well break out the big guns and let you know why I feel like life has let me down, why I cant sleep most nights, why I doubt my faith even sometimes. In December I gave birth to a tiny baby girl - only 19 weeks 5 days pregnant (normal pregnancies are closer to 40 weeks).  Her funeral was January 5,2011. Its been almost 6 months. I hurt like it happened yesterday. People tell me it gets better with time.... so far, not much on my end.