I hate fridays

Warning, this post is mostly me venting and some TMI thrown in.

I hate fridays, hate them. Fridays were the days i had D&C done. Friday was the day i delivered my baby. You know 19 weeks and all the other pregnant mommies are waiting to hear what the sex of their child is.... I got to find out my baby has no heartbeat and is not is heaven.... still leaving me pregnant. I didnt want to do anything rash so we waited and i delivered my baby on a friday. And had a D&C done on a friday. Fast forward 7 months. I am pregnant again - very newly pregnant and am bleeding and spotting (been down this road before) So dr continue to do bloodwork and an ultrasound doesnt give us much hope. a few days later bleeding heavy and in fact my HCG numbers are dropping. D&C done on that friday.

I am emotional and a mess. And ppl dont like that so I put on a happy face and continue t live life. However am completely envious of everyone elses.... Do you know what 2 losses in a yr does to someone? I do. I am a zombie.... walking through life.  just here. barely feeling. barely living. just trying to make it through the day.
*SIGH*

so not much to say

I dont know what to say or do anymore. I feel like I have lost who I am. I have gone through so much in the last yr- yr and half and even then so much in my lifetime....

Part of me wants to rebel and do whatever I want to do, try to make me happy.... and i realize it is being selfish, but part of me wants to....Then I think about my amazing wonderful supportive husband.... and my dearest children - I would never purposely hurt them. And being that selfish would hurt them.

So here i am back to just getting through the day, just trying to make everyone happy. Certainly not making myself happy. I will be 30 soon and continue to think about all the milestones I have wanted to hit before i was 30.

Wanted to have all my children either by the time I was 30 or during my 30th yr.
Wanted to be in shape (cross that off - I continue to eat my feelings as I grieve over my lost pregnancies)
Wanted to be financially stable - this doesn't mean to be a millionaire or anything- just not living paycheck to paycheck
Wanting to be in college/done with college - guess i should have started this awhile ago as well.
I want a career, not just a job....

I guess as I continue to search for me as I continue to walk this road I will continue to strive for these goals.
I work hard to support my family.