Jan 5, 2011

The day we buried my baby girl was one of the hardest days of my life, looking back I think I was in shock at the fact we were going through this. Having a service for her, a small graveside service, and a luncheon afterwards as well. The church we attend was very wonderful and helped us through all of this. January 5, 2011 - an amazing beautiful day, there was no snow and a very mild day for January. I remember standing there greeting people, having them sign in - I have a memorial booklet for my daughter. Everyone saying how sorry they were, all the hugs. We played "Heaven is the face" by Steven Curtis Chapman. the music started and everyone had been seated. I asked for my sons to sit by me, and my husband, my boys and I sat in the front row. Listened while the pastor talked about how much Jesus loves the little children. How amazing things had worked out and my baby girl brought into this world naturally (rather than having a D&C preformed-which i didnt want done) how God had given us a chance to hold our baby if only for a few moments on Earth. I appreciated the sermon and all the friends and family that came out to support us. Definitely in shock that day. As the days grow on I realize I have to live the rest of my life without my baby girl. 

 The tiny tiny casket

 the only picture i have with all my children in it, and my baby girl is IN the casket

 Pastor Doug giving the sermon

 My husband and my son with her casket

 the boys at the graveside service

Beautiful Lilly flowers for my Lilly

BBQ

So a friend from church had a BBQ and we went, Its just weird for me. I carried my child for 18 weeks (alive) felt her kicking, felt her moving, and saw her amazing little body on the ultrasound screen kicking, moving and waving. Then at 19 weeks 5 days I delivered her and had to bury her.  Being around friends who have babies and being around pregnant people is incredibly hard for me. How am I suppose to be happy for you when I lost my child? When I buried my baby? When I should be standing there with you holding my little girl?


My husband and I are trying to get pregnant and every month is practically torture for me. The counting of days, the waiting, the testing, and then the period still comes... And today I am on my period. So at a BBQ with a dozen women who either are pregnant or just had their babies (within the last 6 months) How am I suppose to feel? I am hurt, so unbelievably hurt. I go to the same church as these women, I believe in the same almighty God as they do, and yet they are holding their baby and I am not. And because it is human nature, I wonder what I have done wrong, what I did to deserve this? To be at an event and to see so many happy pregnant and postpartum women in one place. I believe my Lord has a plan for all of us, and I just wish I understood what my role was in this, and why my life has been thrown so many curve balls.


I am grieving, very much so. Its only been 6 months. 6 months since they told me they couldn't find her heartbeat. 6 months since I had to stomach that I may not get to deliver a healthy baby girl and to take her home with me. 6 months.... and my life has been so much different than I EVER would have imagined it. People dont understand, not really. Sure they can sympathize, but it only lasts so long and then they think you should have moved on. How can I move on? Every day I live without my baby. Every day!


I am trusting in my Lord, and every day I try - just to make it through the day.

Ten Commandments For A Grieving Parent

Ten Commandments For A Grieving Parent

1) You shall Not tell them * To get on with there lives

2) You shall not tell them * Be Strong for Youir Family

3) You must not tell them * You Have Other Children

4) You Must Not Tell Them * To Forgive

5) You Must Not Tell Them * There In A Better Place

6) You Must Not Tell Them * To Stop Crying

7) You Must Not Tell Them* To Let Go And Let Them Rest

8) You Must Not Tell Them * I Know How You Feel

9) You Must Not tell Them * You Need Closure 

10) You Must Either Be My Friend And Stand By Me Or Leave Me Alone,

I'll Grieve As Long As I Want Thank you For Understanding 

~A Grieved Parent 

Poem from my angel

My mom is a survivor,

or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying

when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night.

and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her

to help her understand.

But like the sands upon a beach

that never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom

who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others, 

a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's open door,

I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with my death,

to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her

knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom

through Heaven's open door...

I try to tell her that

Angel protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her,

or ease the burdens she bears.

So if you get a chance, call to her

And show her that you care.

For no matter what she feels,

my surviving mom has a broken heart

that time won't ever heal.

~K. D'Ormeaux

12-31-10 (disclaimer -this gets graphic)

 had not been feeling well for the last few days, had found out that the precious baby I was carrying had gone to Heaven around Christmas. I continued to carry this baby as a D&C was "aborting" the "products of conception" and I could not do that.  So for several days I had started cramping and bleeding even. I had gone to the ER a few nights but every time they sent me home saying I was not bleeding heavy enough and was not miscarrying yet. Practically torture.... to know that your child has gone to Heaven and yet here I was still carrying her, not knowing what would happen, when it would happen, how it would happen, having never experience any type of miscarriage ever..... all I had heard were others stories of first trimester losses.... Where you pass lots of clots, where there was never a heartbeat, where you miscarry in the first trimester.... I had heard of second semester miscarriages, but those were so rare. No one I knew had ever gone though one.  

So the dr had prescribed me Vicodin for the pain, the cramping. I had started cramping severly heavy. I called the Dr and the OB... both told me not to come in until I was bleeding heavily. So I endured the worst cramps, and told them I did not want to deliver this baby at home, they assured me that would not happen, that at 19 weeks pregnant once I started bleeding heavily they would go in and perform the D&C. 

So at 12:30 pm on Dec 31st, new yrs eve, I began to cramp so unbelievably bad, yet the dr office and Ob continued to remind me that i was to not come in again until I started bleeding heavily. So Vicodin, and Ibuprofen were taken. still cramping, trying to keep busy, started making lunch, and felt a gush of fluid. I call the Ob to let them know I had finally started bleeding heavily and that we were gonna be on our way in. I run to the bathroom and use the bathroom, and feel yet another gush. My water breaking. I keep wiping to clean up as best as i can to get ready for the hospital. And ask James for help.... And there he tells me as I hover over the toilet... That our angel baby is hanging between my legs, by her umbilical cord.  I break down and cry and panic, this is not how this is suppose to happen. I was to deliver in a hospital, not over my toilet. I was suppose to have nurses and dr around me, I was suppose to deliver in May, a healthy baby, just like my boys. James calls the Ob nurses and lets them know what happened and they talk him through cutting the cord and wrapping up our baby. It is then James cuts the cord and realizes we had a baby girl. a baby gilr who was no longer with us, a baby girl who had gone to heaven, our longed for.... baby girl... finally a baby girl... as we have 2 boys and so desired a little girl to complete our family.... and here she was 20 weeks early... so tiny, so little and had gone to Heaven.

Lillian Grace Crawford born on 12-31-10 @ 1:15 pm weighing only 1.4 ounces and only 6 inches long. with footprints smaller than tinkerbell's....

We wrapped her up and attempted to go to the hospital, I grabbed several towels to sit on as the bleeding was so heavy... and i still had an umbilical cord hanging between my legs. As we arrived at the ER I get into a wheelchair and announce myslef so that I could be seen right away. "I just delivered my baby at home" i yell so that I could get attention... An umbilical cord hanging is not comfortable at all.  Amazing, I had 4 nurses rush to help me, help me check in, get me to a room, take the baby, and get me settled in. 4 nurses... apparently all you have to do is yell and let them know you delivered your baby at home....

We spent the next several hours holding our baby girl. they had no surgeons on at this time, nor a surgical team, as it was new yrs eve. We spent several hours holding her, taking pictures, getting her footprints taken, making her funeral arrangements. A few hours that I cherished in hindsight, but was hurting so much. Dr had taken care of my physical pain yet I still felt so much turmoil. And yet at the same time so much peace. I got to hold her, had we had the D&C done we would not have gotten this chance.... And I would have always wondered about the D&C... had I really terminated her? This way My heavenly Father gave me peace by letting me deliver her and not have to have the D&C done until after delivery. At the same time so much hurt, I had delivered a baby, people may call her a miscarry, but I delivered her, I gave birth to her. Other moms get to take their babies home after delivery... mine was going to the funeral home. 

I hurt, I grieve, I mourn for my baby, my little girl, my Lilly. My Lilly, my baby who was due in May, who should have been born in May.  Instead she was born too early, 20 weeks too early. Yet she had 10 fingers, 10 toes, she had extra skin on her kneecaps, and her ears and eyes and nose were formed (tiny but formed) she had 2 arms, 2 legs, a long torso and was just perfect, especially for her only being 6 inches long... what a tiny little angel. 

I finally went in for a D&C around 4:30pm. The hardest part about surgery was right before we had to give our baby to one of the nurses to never look at her again... to never hold her again, to never stare at the miracle she was/is. So glad they knocked me out so I don't have to remember surgery. Surgery took about 30 minutes and was actually easy. Within 20 minutes of waking up from surgery they sent me home. 

And I left the hospital not pregnant and with no baby.... To go home and stare at the crib that never got used, and the car seat that was never used... and the millions of baby books that I no longer needed.  Then I walked into my bathroom and remember only hours before I had delivered my baby girl in this very same bathroom. I sobbed and laid down on my bed and knew I would never feel her kick again for I had given birth to her and she was no longer in my womb. 

I don't remember sleeping, I don't remember eating, I only remember the hurt, the lying around crying, sobbing, mourning, grieving for my little angel baby.

12-27-10

Had to make it through the day, I continued to pray for a miracle, but prepare for the worst.... I bargained with my Lord, praying that I would have this child, no matter what would be wrong with her, I would take care of her. No matter what I wanted this baby and promised to be more dedicated to my Lord. I was bargaining,even trying to negotiate with Him...

I had been off work for about 8 weeks now and this whole time I had no income coming in.... that day my disability insurance company called me and let me know they would finally cover me, finally cover the pregnancy and would even cover rest of the pregnancy, the delivery, and maternity leave. In an instant I knew my child had died. I broke down and sobbed and prayed I was wrong. I told my Lord I did not want the money, it meant nothing to me, that all I wanted was my child. My little girl who I had seen only 2 weeks before happy, healthy, on the ultrasound screen, with a strong heartbeat.... I wanted my child.

In that phone call I knew (I have no idea why, but I knew.... )

Later that day I waited for my mom and my husband to get off work so that we can see the ultrasound tech and get an update on our baby. See what was happening. We prayed and hoped for human error, that my child was ok, and the the dr were wrong again as they had been during my first trimester.

At the office I laid on the table and cried, I knew what they would find.... After several minuted she told me the news. "I can't find a heartbeat" But wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound to be sure.... so I used the bathroom and cried.... while the tech switched instruments... again se said she could not find a heartbeat. She said the baby was very little, and had very low fluid, and then handed me a tissue. She called my Dr who offered to see me that day.

I cried on the way to his office, I cried walking down the hall, I cried looking at all those other pregnant women... I cried staring at the baby photos. I tried to make sense of what the Dr was telling me.... My child had died - at 19 weeks pregnant.... It is so unlikely he tells me (like that is suppose to comfort me). I have serveral choices, have a D&C the next day, wait for my body to naturally deliver (however long that could take, up to weeks he said), or have a D&C the next week.

I had to sign paperwork agreeing to a D&C, I did not want to continue being pregnant for weeks and weeks, carrying my child around knowing my baby had already gone to heaven and yet carrying her around, continueing to look pregnant and be tortured by having already lost her? No I didn't want to do that, I don't think it would have been good for my mental health. So we signed up for the following tuesday, I had to sign papers agreeing to "abort" the "product of conception" So nice, this "product of conception" had had a heartbeat only a few days before, and had been seen on screen kicking and moving, Mommy and Daddy had even felt her flutters and kicks..... and here I was agreeing to this procedure to terminate.... I felt so unbelievably sick to my stomach... How could this happen to me? I have 2 amazing children, why would I stay pregnant through the first trimester only to loose her now at 19 weeks? And then to have to agree to abort her??

James and I were in shock, luckily my mom agreed to take my kids out to dinner so James and I could talk. We discussed our feelings breifly... and just held each other. And sobbed. How were we to tell our boys? Andy and Jay had prayed for twin girls, they thought 2 boys and 2 girls would be prefect size family....We knew we were having 1 baby but didn't know she was a girl....yet....

I let James know how upset I was over having to have this procedure done, and that what if the drs were wrong? accidents happen, miracles happen what if we aborted our baby? we agreed that we would ask for another ultrasound the morning of the D&C to triple check and triple confirm.... I could not have felt ok going through with a D&C not knowing......

My mom brought the boys home and we had to tell them. Well actually I let James tell them... I sat in my room and prayed and cried and prayed.... How could this happen to me? After everything I had endured in my life, when do I get a miracle? when do I get the fairy tale ending? when do I get to have an easy life? Everyone else looks so perfect.... and mine....  is such a mess.....

James told the boys and Andy came running into my room and told me to stop crying over the baby cause I looked like I was a crybaby.... LOL he made me laugh. He let me hug and kiss him and cuddle with him... I thank the Lord for my boys.

the next few days are a blur, I remember lying around and eating some days and not eating others... I remember crying and cramping and wanting to not hurt so bad.... the kids were on christmas break I couldnt even get a moment alone, to myself, to grieve for my baby..... I had my boys to take care of....  then came new yrs eve.....

12-26-10

So woke up and went to church and I prayed and cried through church... I just kept thinking My Lord my savior will come down and rescue me from this fate. He saved me through this first trimester of this pregnancy, HE will do it again... and yet I continued to struggle and I remember breaking down and sobbing, just sobbing in the middle of church and trying to expain to people why I was acting so weird. I kept praying for a miracle and yet I was preparing for the worst.

Later that day we went to Christmas get together at my mom and dads house. I remember feeling so loved by my family, they laid hands on me and prayed for me, and I again sobbed. I had an ok Christmas with my family, but in the back of my mind I continued to pray and hope for a miracle for my baby.

I was still off work as well, and I remember not caring about my job anymore, not caring about finances, not caring about almost anything.... here I was facing the death of my unborn child and little mattered to me in those days.... the uncertainty of it all, the not knowing. The praying, the wishing, the hoping for a miracle.

Dec 25, 2010 - my story

Christmas day, what a beautiful day!! Home with my husband and 2 rowdy boys and was happliy pregnant!! I had some complications and was off work.... and had struggled with that for awhile, but my Lord had taught me sooo much while on medical leave. Like my job is a job, not my idol, and He will take care of us no matter what. We went 10 weeks with no income from me and we had generous help from our church family. I learned my family should come before my job. i learned so much while off work....

I got to visit my sister in law and enjoy my neices and nephews and learned that if i keep my bladder full longer, little lilly would kick like crazy. I would do it on purpse just to feel those precious flutters. I didn't have an easy pregnancy but I did treasure those moments.... At about 7 weeks pregnant the dr called to tell me I would have a miscarriage, I spent an entire weekend crying, and praying and finally when I couldn 't take it anymore I went to the ER and they found her heartbeat and said everything was fine.

So Christmas was nice, simple, quiet, just me and the hubby and my boys. And I was pregnant.... That night after dinner I started to feel weird. Like I was in labor but I was only 19 weeks. weird, so we went to the ER and they took me to OB, there the nurses hooked me up to machines and I was not in labor, just severe cramps. They could not find the babys heartbeat on the doppler, so they brought in an ultrasound machine and paged my dr. They looked for my baby and saw she was little for her age, and had low amniotic fluid, she also had a very very faint heartbeat, almost unseen.... the dr told me the bad news, I cried but kept my faith. My Lord had brought me through this news before. So I left not know what the future held. I prayed and prayed that the Lord would again save my pregnancy. I dont have periods and each of my children are miracles to me.....

cant sleep

So I am sure many people cant sleep at night.... I have too much on my mind. Thoughts,emotions,doubts, life... how did it get so crazy? I remember growing up thinking that Life would be more like those Disney movies. My prince rescues me and we live happily ever after. Right?  Granted I married my prince, but life has been far from a fairy tail. I may as well break out the big guns and let you know why I feel like life has let me down, why I cant sleep most nights, why I doubt my faith even sometimes. In December I gave birth to a tiny baby girl - only 19 weeks 5 days pregnant (normal pregnancies are closer to 40 weeks).  Her funeral was January 5,2011. Its been almost 6 months. I hurt like it happened yesterday. People tell me it gets better with time.... so far, not much on my end.