after 2 losses....

I am staying out of the pit. I am doing everything I can to fight off depression and to stay out of that pit. (mostly eating my feelings) I am sad, upset, hurt, and of course jealous of anyone who is pregnant, anyone who is having/have had their baby and anyone who is fertile. It is not a fun road for me. I was excited, I should have been screaming and jumping for joy about my pregnancy, but I was still so hurt after losing Lillian that I kept this pregnancy close to me. Not many people knew I was pregnant.  I couldn't be excited. I couldn't think that a positive pregnancy test , even a blood test at the Dr office meant anything. I had to remind myself that pregnancies dont always equal babies.

Pregnancies dont equal babies. Isn't that sad, a sad statement and for me a true statement. Ok I had a baby, I delivered a baby girl at 19 weeks, but i didn't get to take her home. so pregnancies, for me, dont equal a baby at home.

I have 2 amazing boys, ages 9 & 4, and this journey I am continues to remind me that they are little miracles.Wonderful miracles. so thankful for them, so grateful for them!

I had the D&C on Aug 19. I had started miscarrying earlier that week, but wasn't really passing anything...  Then on Thursday I had an ultrasound done to confirm everything was good. During this the tech informed me I had poly-cystic ovaries. the Dr had mentioned this to me before and had talked about this condition, but never really every confirmed this. The tech confirmed this.

PCOS has many issues, mostly not having periods, not being able to lose weight, and cysts on the ovaries... there are other things that go along with it....for me the big thing that hit me was that these cysts on my ovaries, let my body send out eggs which aren't fully developed. So when we conceive my egg is not ready to go. therefore I miscarry. the mayo clinic website covers "abnormal fetal development" under PCOS.... and then you miscarry.  I think I may have found the culprit as to why I lost a baby at 19 weeks and now lost this pregnancy at 7 weeks.....

I am on meds, and need to diet, exercise and possibly take precaution with pregnancy. I dont want to be that person who has a dozen miscarriages. I have a ton of questions for the doctors.... and for now just trying to stay out of the pit.

D&C

I have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow morning @ 7 am. joy joy joy. Its a friday, my last D&C was a friday. My D&C are exactly 33 weeks apart. 33 weeks. Thats all. there are 52 weeks in a yr. My last 2 pregnancies have not been successful. I had my baby girl Lillian, she had already gone to heaven somewhere around week 18 and I delivered her at almost 20 weeks. and now at 7 weeks I am miscarrying, however I am not passing everything on my own. so now a D&C.

I want to mourn, I want to grieve, I want to cry, I have cried. I just dont want to end up in that pit again. I started counseling again. My first counselor I didn't feel very fond of, she gave me this "bad things happen to everyone" speech. I understood bad things happen to everyone, really i do, but that didn't help me handle my loss well, didn't help me grieve.  Didn't help me heal.

So the counselor i am seeing now is a christian company and the lady is a christian herself. Was nice, I went in and unloaded everything i could. Then we did talk about our savior and God and how satan is on the Earth, running rampant. People dont like to think he is, but he is.

Sad, hurt, but healing. I know I can get pregnant again. I mean I have had 2 pregnancy losses in less than a yr. This is probably the most fertile I have ever been. I will keep trying. I want to do Gods will, want to go where HE wants me to go. So I seek refuge in my Savior.

miscarriage

yup its true, I am/was pregnant. About 7 weeks. We hadnt told anyone because we knew another pregnancy after losing our Lillian was going to be hard. Emotional. Excited, Paranoid, anxious....  We knew a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean an infant for us.so we kept it on the down low for this reason.

 I started spotting last week, went to ER had blood tests run, HCG was low, real low for a 7 week pregnancy, more like a 2 week pregnancy. Thats ok, I was concerned and prepared for the worst, but figured i never had normal period, possibly was only 2-3 weeks pregnant. Then the ultrasound. It didn't show anything in the uterus, or at least that's what i was told. they didn't show me the screen, so i couldn't see for myself. Even then I hoped and prayed i was just too early to be showing anything yet. Maybe I was only 2-3 weeks pregnant, maybe nothing was showing up. I was sent home, with no official results. still technically pregnant. Continued to spot. and now today I woke up covered in blood... nice.

So today is rough for me. I already lost my Lillian, and now a miscarriage.

On a good note we got pregnant 6 months after losing Lillian so at least we know everything still works and we did have to use fertility drugs.

On a bad note I am miscarrying, hormonal, and was already headed into crazy town. I start counseling on wednesday so maybe they can help me with both of these losses.

this amazing man

I have an amazing husband... simply amazing.

We work opposite shifts and even opposite weekends. I see him daily but the quality time is not very much. Between church and work and scouts and our boys we dont get much quality time together. But he took advantage last night....... we were in the ER and my husband made that ER room such an amazing reconnecting spot for us. We talked (and not about dumb stuff) talked about our feelings and everything, from losing Lillian and the effect she had on me, to our jobs and what we should do now.

I loved it. I have an amazing husband he reminded me that he truly doesn't matter and that he wants me to be ok. You know what kind of love that is, to truly let yourself come second, to really put your spouse first. I used to do that, but have been stuck in this pit after losing my baby.

He had such an impact on me. The conversation, the love, the sincere desire for another human being, who you care about more than yourself, genuinely....

We didn't get good news in the ER, but that visit has changed my perspective and how I look at things now, thanks to my wonderful husband.

how much more?

I feel as if i am reaching a breaking point, I am already so broken and walk around with a smile on my face, and just try to make it through the day. why does EVERY DAY hurt though?

I have a hard time being around babies. around new moms. Its not their fault though right? I mean its not their fault they have a healthy baby while mine is in heaven. Its not their fault.

It doesn't matter that it isn't their fault, does that mean that what I am going through is my fault? that somehow i deserved this? Why? and why me? 

I don't love my family any less, despite all their fertility, in fact I would love it if my sisters and my moms would decide to be there for me. but they aren't. Everyone is so BUSY. I love it. Seriously you make time for what is important in your life. and I guess through your actions you show people what is important to you. I try to be the cool aunt and an awesome sister and try to help when I can. No one wants to walk this road. Its so hard for you all to imagine this path I am walking..... Imagining it is hard for you, but I am walking this road. And I have no choice, I cant get off this road now, whats done is done, I cant go back and get my baby girl. I cant bring her back from heaven..... I now have to live the rest of my life without my daughter.

out of the club....

You know when you aren't part of the clique? You aren't part of the group, you definitely dont fit in? Thats me.

I dont know how to describe it, I am sure we all have been there before, have visited this place right, the not fitting in place. the 'you dont belong here' place in our lives right. Well you may visit this place but i feel like i live there.

We have lived in the same town now for almost 5 yrs. And other than a few church acquaintances, I have no real friends. I have managed to scare them all away. I was doing good for awhile and then my little girl went to heaven and I visited crazy-town. So now I have no friends. nice right? I had some friends back in the town i grew up in but even they dont call, visit etc. I do my best to check in with them and visit them when i can, especially since we do go into town to visit family.... but none of them visit me or call.

and now I have a new job where the co-workers are nice and are trying to get to know me, but believe me, I dont fit in. I dont party, I dont drink and I am not in college. so once again I dont fit in.

Its hard for me cause I try - I call people, text people, invite people over and they dont return the phone call, wont accept the invitation to come over and they dont return my texts. Even family members.

 I am def not part of the club. A couple of my sisters are actual BFFs and they forget to include me.They have this exclusive club, and I am not a member. I love each sister individually, but get them together and well I am forgotten cause I am not in their club.

oh well that's my complaints tonight.

deleting?

Thinking about deleting my Facebook account, apparently my friends on FB think I have been wallowing in my daughters death. Nice huh. Maybe I am, maybe I just need better support around me. Telling me to get over it sure is good therapy. Right? sure has been helpful. Maybe you should walk along side me when I have those bad days and help point out the good days. My bad days haunt me. It isnt like I have had an easy peasy life. I have baggage which doesn't help.but I am trying, except I post/blog only on my bad days.

so thinking, maybe i do post negative too much on FB. Maybe it has become an outlet for me. Where I want friends and family to know how much pain I am in. Maybe. Maybe cause I dont know how to move forward. Is moving forward mean I am suppose to forget my baby girl? I hurt, daily, and have reminders daily of my baby girl.

but apparently there is some sort of "time table for grieving mothers" that I have never been shown.And apparently I am wallowing. I am unsure of this. Its only been 7 months. My friends and family members have their babies, they are raising their infants. Mine is not here. I dont get to see her, hold her, nurse her, watch her, care for her, bathe her, rock her, dress her...... I hurt so much and grieve over my loss. I have a beautiful crib in  storage and other baby misc stuff in storage.

Praying for comfort, for peace. I know my baby girl is in Heaven I rejoice for her. She will never know the pain of life other than her short time in the uterus... she never grows old, never hurts, never ever feels any pain.... however along with the pain in life comes the amazing moment in life. Like when your child smiles for the first time. and your heart swells in excitement. I will never know that. So many firsts that I grieve over.

So anyway I must be wallowing, all my friends think so, you know all those friends who have never buried their child......

stop complaining

I am trying, daily. To think positive. To think of what good I have in this life rather than always focusing on what I dont have. It isnt easy. I have so many reminders.... so many reminders of what i dont have - my baby girl. I hurt a lot. And although it isnt your fault that you haven't had this happen to you, I may take my anger out on you. I dont understand why I have to walk this path, why i had my daughter taken away from me, yet others have their babies. Every single pregnant person who was pregnant when I was has their baby. Why me? So I have issues, i hurt, i get mad easily. I am trying though. trying to look at what i do have.

 An amazing husband who puts up with so much from me - (mostly emotional ramblings) my husband who cares, loves and is so supportive. My boys. Jay is an amazing little guy who is growing up too fast. 4th grader too soon! Scouts and soccer and basketball and he tells everyone about Jesus. Everyone.It is amazing to see him witness to others. I love him so. My Andy is 4 and is so rambunctious, so rowdy so rough, and ALL boy.He loves to wrestle, loves to play video games and loves to cuddle. he loves to let his mommy read for hours to him. such an amazing smart boy.

And although I hurt I had 19 weeks with an angel. My Lillian. 19 weeks and for last few weeks I would lay in bed and let her kick, and purposely let my bladder fill up and hold it, just to feel her kick, so bitter sweet. Dr told me i would miscarry her at 7 weeks pregnant. I didnt then. not till 19 weeks 5 days did i deliver her. I remember the ultrasound where we finally saw the flicker of a heartbeat, and finally go to hear the miracle of life, our child's heart beat. i loved ultrasounds, because we were high risk I had one done every few weeks and although we didnt get pictures everytime (I wish we would have) I have those memories. I can still see her kicking and waving and stuff.

So I am trying. Trying to look at what i do have. keep praying for me cause I know Satan will attack me and try to keep me down. I am broken, and I am hurting, but I have a lot to live for. and i cannot wait to see my baby girl in Heaven