after 2 losses....

I am staying out of the pit. I am doing everything I can to fight off depression and to stay out of that pit. (mostly eating my feelings) I am sad, upset, hurt, and of course jealous of anyone who is pregnant, anyone who is having/have had their baby and anyone who is fertile. It is not a fun road for me. I was excited, I should have been screaming and jumping for joy about my pregnancy, but I was still so hurt after losing Lillian that I kept this pregnancy close to me. Not many people knew I was pregnant.  I couldn't be excited. I couldn't think that a positive pregnancy test , even a blood test at the Dr office meant anything. I had to remind myself that pregnancies dont always equal babies.

Pregnancies dont equal babies. Isn't that sad, a sad statement and for me a true statement. Ok I had a baby, I delivered a baby girl at 19 weeks, but i didn't get to take her home. so pregnancies, for me, dont equal a baby at home.

I have 2 amazing boys, ages 9 & 4, and this journey I am continues to remind me that they are little miracles.Wonderful miracles. so thankful for them, so grateful for them!

I had the D&C on Aug 19. I had started miscarrying earlier that week, but wasn't really passing anything...  Then on Thursday I had an ultrasound done to confirm everything was good. During this the tech informed me I had poly-cystic ovaries. the Dr had mentioned this to me before and had talked about this condition, but never really every confirmed this. The tech confirmed this.

PCOS has many issues, mostly not having periods, not being able to lose weight, and cysts on the ovaries... there are other things that go along with it....for me the big thing that hit me was that these cysts on my ovaries, let my body send out eggs which aren't fully developed. So when we conceive my egg is not ready to go. therefore I miscarry. the mayo clinic website covers "abnormal fetal development" under PCOS.... and then you miscarry.  I think I may have found the culprit as to why I lost a baby at 19 weeks and now lost this pregnancy at 7 weeks.....

I am on meds, and need to diet, exercise and possibly take precaution with pregnancy. I dont want to be that person who has a dozen miscarriages. I have a ton of questions for the doctors.... and for now just trying to stay out of the pit.