stop complaining

I am trying, daily. To think positive. To think of what good I have in this life rather than always focusing on what I dont have. It isnt easy. I have so many reminders.... so many reminders of what i dont have - my baby girl. I hurt a lot. And although it isnt your fault that you haven't had this happen to you, I may take my anger out on you. I dont understand why I have to walk this path, why i had my daughter taken away from me, yet others have their babies. Every single pregnant person who was pregnant when I was has their baby. Why me? So I have issues, i hurt, i get mad easily. I am trying though. trying to look at what i do have.

 An amazing husband who puts up with so much from me - (mostly emotional ramblings) my husband who cares, loves and is so supportive. My boys. Jay is an amazing little guy who is growing up too fast. 4th grader too soon! Scouts and soccer and basketball and he tells everyone about Jesus. Everyone.It is amazing to see him witness to others. I love him so. My Andy is 4 and is so rambunctious, so rowdy so rough, and ALL boy.He loves to wrestle, loves to play video games and loves to cuddle. he loves to let his mommy read for hours to him. such an amazing smart boy.

And although I hurt I had 19 weeks with an angel. My Lillian. 19 weeks and for last few weeks I would lay in bed and let her kick, and purposely let my bladder fill up and hold it, just to feel her kick, so bitter sweet. Dr told me i would miscarry her at 7 weeks pregnant. I didnt then. not till 19 weeks 5 days did i deliver her. I remember the ultrasound where we finally saw the flicker of a heartbeat, and finally go to hear the miracle of life, our child's heart beat. i loved ultrasounds, because we were high risk I had one done every few weeks and although we didnt get pictures everytime (I wish we would have) I have those memories. I can still see her kicking and waving and stuff.

So I am trying. Trying to look at what i do have. keep praying for me cause I know Satan will attack me and try to keep me down. I am broken, and I am hurting, but I have a lot to live for. and i cannot wait to see my baby girl in Heaven