eggs!

Ultrasound today showed I had the right size eggs on each ovary. 1 on each one! I am happy. I know it seems silly, but seriously I dont have periods, and certainly dont make eggs, or ovulate or any of that normal stuff. So I am happy. Dr sent us home to BD tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday. Praying for a BFP! I am hopeful. For so long I could say that I was hoping, but I was just saying that. Now I have hope again. HOPE. what a word.

Smiling, happy, hopeful, praying

Hormonal

I cant even begin to describe to you how hormonal I have been the last few days... At various times I find myself in tears, overwhelmed by all these feelings.

Thursday our family came to visit and of course their healthy baby girl, (conceived only 6 weeks prior to my baby girl) came as well. I love my niece, goodness knows she has melted my heart more than a few times. She is a living reminder of everything I dont have.

So while she is paying on the floor I envision my baby Lilly playing her cousin as they would have been born just 6-8 weeks part. But this is not reality, as my baby is in heaven. We go to the park, and I see my little perfect baby niece and almost instantly I can picture my little girl with her cousin enjoying the swings as well... At dinner when my niece's little hands are grasping for food to put in her little mouth, I can see my little girl sitting next to her doing the same thing. I cannot look at her and not think of my baby Lilly.

Randomly these thoughts would emerge from my subconscious and tears would flow... I would try to fight them back as I have to be strong for everyone and want everyone around me to be comfortable..

So I fight back, and hold off until I am alone, until bedtime, until everyone is asleep and then I cry, then I pour out my heart, and I pray to Jesus to make me whole as only He can.

I  have been on these fertility drugs for awhile now. This PCOS is killing me. I have been on a super strict low carb, low sugar diet and about 90% of the time I do really well and stick to it. I also have taken  up running and exercise to try to get in the best shape I can be in. TTC is really taking it out of me. These fertility drugs though, last month I made these little eggs, so tomorrow I have another ultrasound and am praying that with this super strict diet and the double dose of clomid, that I will have made some real eggs. I am hopeful, and yet still in the back of my mind I am doubtful....

So prayers and hoping, praying...

hoping for the best, preparing for the worst....

TTC....

Anyone who has ever gone throught this vicious cycle knows it can almost destroy you. ALMOST! But we continue all in hopes. Hope for a new little life, hope for another child, another baby. For me it is my rainbow after the storm. I can't tell you how much I feel as if I need this. NEED this. Doesn't that seem silly? I have 2 boys, shouldn't I be happy with the little ones I have, be thankful that I have off spring, 2 amazing boys. I would love to say yes, they are all I need....

I have a daughter in heaven, and I ache to hold her, my arms feel so empty, my womb practically barren, and my heart is broken, for she has taken part of it away, as do all my children, each other them has a piece of my heart... But my little girl took a piece of my heart, and now I feel broken... So I feel as if I need to have more kids, at least one more. Please Lord, 1 little baby to help heal my broken heart, so my arms dont feel empty, and the hurt will slowly heal.

I need closure. I need to know it wasn't me, that I didn't cause her death. I know it sounds silly, but in the back of my mind it is there.... tauting me. I know the enemy uses it to keep me where I am.

So TTC... in the 2WW, and i have a POAS addiction, I use them every day (almost) till AF arrives!!

ovulation brings.....

So I started the clomid, a low dose fertility drug that should bring on ovulation. We are doing everything that we have to do, following Dr orders. And I think I was ovulating. but who knows. I was extremely emotional and had signs and symptoms of ovulation, so now we have the 2 week waiting game to see what happens.

2 weeks.

2 weeks, in theory you dont think it is a long time, but when you are waiting and watching the clock & calendar, time seems to drag. I am trying to be patient, I think that's what I was supposed to learn through all of this. Being patient, waiting on the LORD. So even though we are supposed to be waiting, I did ask the dr for fertility drugs, my body seems to fail me on this. Its all in Gods hands anyway. I dont see why fertility drugs wont just give me that extra boost, if it isn't meant to be, it wont be.

And now we wait. If this doesn't happen I dont know how much more I can go through, There is so much stress and timing, and taking the right meds, watching waiting, counting, checking,  planned intercourse isn't nearly as fun as it sounds. Being emotional, i put my body through a lot. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I get my hopes up and get excited.... so I dont know how many cycles of this we will go through...

and then if i do get pregnant I will have anxiety and fears of yet another loss.... threes strikes and I am out.
I had 2 losses already a 3rd would break me even more and definitely have me questioning whether or not we were suppose to have more kids.

So thats where I am, waiting, praying, waiting, praying

possibly moving forward (possibly)

So it looks as though things may be moving forward even in the forward direction I want. Yes I long for Gods will in this life. I am obviously lost especially after the roller coaster ride I have been on for the last 2 years.

Dr visit went well, I had lost a few more lbs and the Dr was pleased with that progress. So fertility drugs to help jump start ovulation. Praying. Its been over a yr now since I lost my little girl. I have good days and bad days.

Some days I get mad and want to smack the person next to me who cries at the beginning of  Disney's TARZAN movie, ""Its so sad when the mother gorilla has to go on without her baby gorilla"" says a coworker of mine.... REALLY!! Its sad. TRY LIVING IT!! I say none of these things I have become slightly better at holding it together.  Other days I dont hold it in so well. My sister mentions the trauma our niece went through the first few weeks of her life. I am so thankful my niece is here, but she is HERE, right? she is alive and God answered those prayers and let us keep her & love on this amazing little girl. So I say "she is alive right?" to my sister. she walks away. Ok so some days I dont do so well at holding it all together. I apologize.

I was promoted at work, that should give me some new challenges and help me stop focusing on my body and the fact it fails me so often. I am excited to be moving up, and have a little more flexible schedule, possibly even be home for dinner a few nights a week!! Excited for the raise and the fact James and I have made some dents in our debt.

Looking forward to the future. I continue to say this is MY year. I have done a good job losing weight and keeping it off, I am going to continue to do this, slowly, but surely!! Promotion at work! And now some fertility drugs. Hoping and praying for the future.

forgiven?

This blog will be truly honest, very brutally honest.

I need to forgive and forget and then move on. I am stuck. To me it is still last yr, I am still grieving. I still wish for all that was lost. I feel hurt, betrayed by so many. Friends, family, even my God. Why didn't He save me from this fate? Why do I feel abandoned? Why do I have to walk this road, when so many other have such better roads, filled with less pain and less tragedy?

So I need to forgive, the friend who was mean to me after my 2nd loss, and when I explained to her I thought she was being rude and insensitive to my needs ESPECIALLY after 2 losses, she didn't care. What a friend you really are! So I literally deleted her from my life. Well at least for a while, She has currently shown back up and wishes to see me.....but I still hurt. How can you be so callous and insensitive when in August I miscarried for the 2nd time? How could you be so rude, I thought you were a true friend, we have known each other since we were kids.  So I hold on to things. I need to forgive, and forget and move one. If she wished to be a true friend, TIME will tell, either she will prove herself, or not. I forgive you.

I need to forgive a family member, someone who I look up to, mentor, father like figure. Hurt me as well. I had just found out i was pregnant in July, and we didn't tell many people for fear of miscarriage. We told them, we wanted prayers and comfort and guidance. A pregnancy after a lose raised my anxiety and fears of another loss. What I got was criticism, and lectured. It hurt. I remember it. I need to forgive and forget, and move forward. Obviously I miscarried in August and those words haunted me.I forgive you.

My Lord, I need to forgive you. I feel like I was abandoned. How can you bless me with a child and allow me to carry so far into a pregnancy? to feel the flutters of the baby moving, to feel those tiny kicks. To be able to see her on the ultrasound and see her kicking and moving. How can you take a child so soon? How can you leave me broken, and beaten? Where were you? Why wasn't I saved from this fate? I feel I was wronged.  See I had forgiven you for allowing me to go through all I had gone through growing up with an abusive father, physically, sexually abused. I forgave you for that. I cant put my finger on it, but there was a reason and it molded me into the person I am. I also assumed I had been through enough crap in my life that I should have a free pass now. Having a childhood wrought with abuse was enough, right? I feel abandoned. I know you have plans for me, my life, but I am still so close to this tragedy that I cant see any good out of it. so for now I forgive you. I trust you. I pray for healing, WHOLE healing. I pray for your will to be done in my life, I am broken please shape me into what you want me to be.

I need to forgive myself. I beat myself up, that I failed in some way, that my own body failed me. I somehow caused this to happen to me. So I forgive myself. I cant change the past. It is over and done. All I can do is move forward and be as healthy as a person as I can be (despite my medical diagnosis). I will let it go and stop beating myself up over the what-ifs and the WHY's. I forgive myself.

healing road hurts

As I am on this journey called grief.... It hurts still and mostly I blog on days I hurt so I apologize if all you feel I write is about my bad days.

In the last week several close family members and friends announced their pregnancies. I am still grieving over my losses. Still. And although we keep trying I can only walk this road so long before I get discouraged and pray that we stop trying. Every day I track my cycle, ovulating, cervical mucous, any noted spotting, period starting, intercourse, etc. Because I have PCOS I dont have normal periods. So every day I check for the fertile mucous. I know it sounds disgusting... but after days, weeks, months of not conceiving you get discouraged. So much so that I dont wanna try any more. I cry when I get my period, devastated over a monthly period. Over the fact my body has failed me once again. Over all those teenagers who get pregnant without trying. Over the fact that my last pregnancy was a miscarriage and my last baby I held in my arms I had to turn over to a funeral home. How can that be my last baby?

So hurting as people around me announce their pregnancies. My body fails me. I diet, I exercise. And yet my PCOS continues to win the battle. I continue to carry the weight around with me despite my dieting and gym time. PCOS continues to win.

I am trying to heal, but what a road this is....

2011 retrospective

2011 -- Before I write down all my resolutions and make plans for 2012, I feel the need to recap the year. this literally is a whole yr of my grieving just saying... if you dont wanna hear MORE about my loss then dont read it.

January brought the planning of a funeral and laying my daughter to rest. Very emotional, and physically trying time for me and my husband. We had our baby's funeral on Jan 5th. We "ate" our feelings a lot the first few weeks. I also was able to go back to the job I loved, as a home supervisor for a group of guys with developmental disabilities.  LOVED this job. I technically was going to lose this job because of my pregnancy, I was on medical leave and was going to run out of medical leave and lose my job. So although I was devastated to lose my pregnancy the only good thing resulted in me still having a job I loved. My out of state family came and visited, I was very happy to have them come and stay with us. My baby also turned 4 in January. I turned 29.

February brought moving day! James and I had been "living the American dream" = big house you cant afford! I laugh now. We barely could afford it and because we are American we think we deserve it. So we moved from our 2,000 square feet home, with 2 car attached garage, backyard and quiet neighborhood into a less than 700 square foot apartment, with utilities included in rent! We were happy about that! So downsizing was hard physically for us, space-wise, but a smart move financially!!

March was depressing for me... I felt as though I should have been able to get pregnant right away. Soo depressed. was in a vicious cycle... vicious self destruct cycle. I continued to eat my feelings and threw myself into work. It was a hard few months - I was also tortured by friends and family who were pregnant at the same time as I. All my friends and family continued with their successful pregnancies. They started to deliver this month, and next month, and the following month and all summer long.... BABY-FEST 2011 = pure torture. how can I not look at those pink little babies and not think of mine? their little coos & cries...  and I would wish to hear my baby... when I finally did hold someone else's baby... I cried the whole time. I couldn't stop thinking about the last baby I held... MY baby girl in my arms for the first & only time in this life.

April I had my first panic attack I literally almost called 911 the pain in my chest was horrible, I was doing my 'Lamaze breathing' just to be able to survive. A co worker came over and talked me through it, I laid down and tried to just breathe. I will NEVER make fun of people who have them. I was scared!! I thought about going to the hospital after having it just to get checked out and make sure nothing was really wrong with me.My job decided to cut 52 positions, one of them was mine. I couldn't make sense of life. I had a great job, and now that was going to be taken away from me too, just like my baby. I had no say in either of these events in my life. WHAT was happening!!!???!!! April also brought the birth of a new niece... although I was excited to have a new niece... I was torn because I should be having her little cousin as well. She should be growing up with a playmate, instead she has a cousin in heaven....

May...May brought my / Lillian's due date.

June, I started losing weight and started feeling like I could start healing, slowly. The apartment pool was open and the kids were home with me during the day. enjoyed plenty of fresh air and lots of fun times with them. I got a new job, in town, and only have to work a normal 40 hour week! I also had my nieces and nephews for a few days. So 5 kids + 1 cool aunt = TONS OF FUN!!

July was hard for so many reasons, family moved away, my oldest son spent 5 weeks in Texas visiting his grandma and I had a positive pregnancy test. PREGNANT! 6 months later after losing my baby girl. I should be ecstatic right? I could not control my emotions. all my feelings over being pregnant and losing Lillian hit me like a TON of bricks. we didn't want to tell anyone in case of another loss, but i needed support and didn't feel like I was getting much. Family told me I was chasing after my dream and not following "Gods plans" I hurt. How can you say that to someone when they tell you they are pregnant? God is the giver of Life! Satan come to steal, kill & destroy - John 10:10 we didn't tell many people I was pregnant until I miscarried and needed more support

August - my son came home from Texas, his aunt and my newest niece came as well. As hard as it was seeing them, holding her, and realizing she should have a little cousin to play with..... I was miscarrying as well.
I couldn't believe it. How can I lose another baby??? Isn't one loss enough? here I was going through my 2nd loss. And because my body is soo much fun I didn't miscarry properly. I had to have a D&C again. I also missed 2 weeks of work and almost lost my job over this, despite having a Dr note. August also brought Andy going to preschool. man they grow up sooo fast! August also brought counseling. Professional counseling, not just talking to friends, of blogging or facebook-ing all my feelings... Professional counseling.

September brought more medical tests and a diagnosis of PCOS. I also went back to eating my feelings and grieving over both pregnancy losses.

October  James and I finally bought a gym membership!! It took a while to get a groove going, but once we got it down man working out feels GOOD! also trick or treating this month with my boys. We also went to a BGSU alumni game where my hubby marched in the half time show! and in preparation of the upcoming holidays we had our family photos taken professionally =)

November so between the gym and counseling I started feeling a little more like me or i guess this new 'me' honestly I have never been an athlete, I like playing sports mostly for competition, not for the exercise, but now a days I actually like working out. I have that whole endorphin thing going on. Love the gym! an of course thanksgiving holiday brought 4 thanksgiving meals!! so glad I  know portion control, I managed to not gain any weight! wooohooo

December Jay turned ten, Christmas, and my baby girl Lillian turned 1 in Heaven. We went to Dave & busters in Columbus for Jays birthday. Spoiled my children crazily with plenty of toys & video games at
Christmas. And a year later Jay & I are still in counseling. I wish I had a key to recovering. the steps..... do a + b = healed and all whole! I don't - exercise, counseling, and a few good books have helped me. "Heaven is for Real" "Lord, Heal my hurts" " Have Heart" and of course my BIBLE

I have a lot of hope for 2012. Mostly to get healthy and get pregnant, James has already put us on a budget and we have been paying off debt so we have a good jump start on 2012.