2011 retrospective

2011 -- Before I write down all my resolutions and make plans for 2012, I feel the need to recap the year. this literally is a whole yr of my grieving just saying... if you dont wanna hear MORE about my loss then dont read it.

January brought the planning of a funeral and laying my daughter to rest. Very emotional, and physically trying time for me and my husband. We had our baby's funeral on Jan 5th. We "ate" our feelings a lot the first few weeks. I also was able to go back to the job I loved, as a home supervisor for a group of guys with developmental disabilities.  LOVED this job. I technically was going to lose this job because of my pregnancy, I was on medical leave and was going to run out of medical leave and lose my job. So although I was devastated to lose my pregnancy the only good thing resulted in me still having a job I loved. My out of state family came and visited, I was very happy to have them come and stay with us. My baby also turned 4 in January. I turned 29.

February brought moving day! James and I had been "living the American dream" = big house you cant afford! I laugh now. We barely could afford it and because we are American we think we deserve it. So we moved from our 2,000 square feet home, with 2 car attached garage, backyard and quiet neighborhood into a less than 700 square foot apartment, with utilities included in rent! We were happy about that! So downsizing was hard physically for us, space-wise, but a smart move financially!!

March was depressing for me... I felt as though I should have been able to get pregnant right away. Soo depressed. was in a vicious cycle... vicious self destruct cycle. I continued to eat my feelings and threw myself into work. It was a hard few months - I was also tortured by friends and family who were pregnant at the same time as I. All my friends and family continued with their successful pregnancies. They started to deliver this month, and next month, and the following month and all summer long.... BABY-FEST 2011 = pure torture. how can I not look at those pink little babies and not think of mine? their little coos & cries...  and I would wish to hear my baby... when I finally did hold someone else's baby... I cried the whole time. I couldn't stop thinking about the last baby I held... MY baby girl in my arms for the first & only time in this life.

April I had my first panic attack I literally almost called 911 the pain in my chest was horrible, I was doing my 'Lamaze breathing' just to be able to survive. A co worker came over and talked me through it, I laid down and tried to just breathe. I will NEVER make fun of people who have them. I was scared!! I thought about going to the hospital after having it just to get checked out and make sure nothing was really wrong with me.My job decided to cut 52 positions, one of them was mine. I couldn't make sense of life. I had a great job, and now that was going to be taken away from me too, just like my baby. I had no say in either of these events in my life. WHAT was happening!!!???!!! April also brought the birth of a new niece... although I was excited to have a new niece... I was torn because I should be having her little cousin as well. She should be growing up with a playmate, instead she has a cousin in heaven....

May...May brought my / Lillian's due date.

June, I started losing weight and started feeling like I could start healing, slowly. The apartment pool was open and the kids were home with me during the day. enjoyed plenty of fresh air and lots of fun times with them. I got a new job, in town, and only have to work a normal 40 hour week! I also had my nieces and nephews for a few days. So 5 kids + 1 cool aunt = TONS OF FUN!!

July was hard for so many reasons, family moved away, my oldest son spent 5 weeks in Texas visiting his grandma and I had a positive pregnancy test. PREGNANT! 6 months later after losing my baby girl. I should be ecstatic right? I could not control my emotions. all my feelings over being pregnant and losing Lillian hit me like a TON of bricks. we didn't want to tell anyone in case of another loss, but i needed support and didn't feel like I was getting much. Family told me I was chasing after my dream and not following "Gods plans" I hurt. How can you say that to someone when they tell you they are pregnant? God is the giver of Life! Satan come to steal, kill & destroy - John 10:10 we didn't tell many people I was pregnant until I miscarried and needed more support

August - my son came home from Texas, his aunt and my newest niece came as well. As hard as it was seeing them, holding her, and realizing she should have a little cousin to play with..... I was miscarrying as well.
I couldn't believe it. How can I lose another baby??? Isn't one loss enough? here I was going through my 2nd loss. And because my body is soo much fun I didn't miscarry properly. I had to have a D&C again. I also missed 2 weeks of work and almost lost my job over this, despite having a Dr note. August also brought Andy going to preschool. man they grow up sooo fast! August also brought counseling. Professional counseling, not just talking to friends, of blogging or facebook-ing all my feelings... Professional counseling.

September brought more medical tests and a diagnosis of PCOS. I also went back to eating my feelings and grieving over both pregnancy losses.

October  James and I finally bought a gym membership!! It took a while to get a groove going, but once we got it down man working out feels GOOD! also trick or treating this month with my boys. We also went to a BGSU alumni game where my hubby marched in the half time show! and in preparation of the upcoming holidays we had our family photos taken professionally =)

November so between the gym and counseling I started feeling a little more like me or i guess this new 'me' honestly I have never been an athlete, I like playing sports mostly for competition, not for the exercise, but now a days I actually like working out. I have that whole endorphin thing going on. Love the gym! an of course thanksgiving holiday brought 4 thanksgiving meals!! so glad I  know portion control, I managed to not gain any weight! wooohooo

December Jay turned ten, Christmas, and my baby girl Lillian turned 1 in Heaven. We went to Dave & busters in Columbus for Jays birthday. Spoiled my children crazily with plenty of toys & video games at
Christmas. And a year later Jay & I are still in counseling. I wish I had a key to recovering. the steps..... do a + b = healed and all whole! I don't - exercise, counseling, and a few good books have helped me. "Heaven is for Real" "Lord, Heal my hurts" " Have Heart" and of course my BIBLE

I have a lot of hope for 2012. Mostly to get healthy and get pregnant, James has already put us on a budget and we have been paying off debt so we have a good jump start on 2012.