eggs!

Ultrasound today showed I had the right size eggs on each ovary. 1 on each one! I am happy. I know it seems silly, but seriously I dont have periods, and certainly dont make eggs, or ovulate or any of that normal stuff. So I am happy. Dr sent us home to BD tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday. Praying for a BFP! I am hopeful. For so long I could say that I was hoping, but I was just saying that. Now I have hope again. HOPE. what a word.

Smiling, happy, hopeful, praying

Hormonal

I cant even begin to describe to you how hormonal I have been the last few days... At various times I find myself in tears, overwhelmed by all these feelings.

Thursday our family came to visit and of course their healthy baby girl, (conceived only 6 weeks prior to my baby girl) came as well. I love my niece, goodness knows she has melted my heart more than a few times. She is a living reminder of everything I dont have.

So while she is paying on the floor I envision my baby Lilly playing her cousin as they would have been born just 6-8 weeks part. But this is not reality, as my baby is in heaven. We go to the park, and I see my little perfect baby niece and almost instantly I can picture my little girl with her cousin enjoying the swings as well... At dinner when my niece's little hands are grasping for food to put in her little mouth, I can see my little girl sitting next to her doing the same thing. I cannot look at her and not think of my baby Lilly.

Randomly these thoughts would emerge from my subconscious and tears would flow... I would try to fight them back as I have to be strong for everyone and want everyone around me to be comfortable..

So I fight back, and hold off until I am alone, until bedtime, until everyone is asleep and then I cry, then I pour out my heart, and I pray to Jesus to make me whole as only He can.

I  have been on these fertility drugs for awhile now. This PCOS is killing me. I have been on a super strict low carb, low sugar diet and about 90% of the time I do really well and stick to it. I also have taken  up running and exercise to try to get in the best shape I can be in. TTC is really taking it out of me. These fertility drugs though, last month I made these little eggs, so tomorrow I have another ultrasound and am praying that with this super strict diet and the double dose of clomid, that I will have made some real eggs. I am hopeful, and yet still in the back of my mind I am doubtful....

So prayers and hoping, praying...

hoping for the best, preparing for the worst....

TTC....

Anyone who has ever gone throught this vicious cycle knows it can almost destroy you. ALMOST! But we continue all in hopes. Hope for a new little life, hope for another child, another baby. For me it is my rainbow after the storm. I can't tell you how much I feel as if I need this. NEED this. Doesn't that seem silly? I have 2 boys, shouldn't I be happy with the little ones I have, be thankful that I have off spring, 2 amazing boys. I would love to say yes, they are all I need....

I have a daughter in heaven, and I ache to hold her, my arms feel so empty, my womb practically barren, and my heart is broken, for she has taken part of it away, as do all my children, each other them has a piece of my heart... But my little girl took a piece of my heart, and now I feel broken... So I feel as if I need to have more kids, at least one more. Please Lord, 1 little baby to help heal my broken heart, so my arms dont feel empty, and the hurt will slowly heal.

I need closure. I need to know it wasn't me, that I didn't cause her death. I know it sounds silly, but in the back of my mind it is there.... tauting me. I know the enemy uses it to keep me where I am.

So TTC... in the 2WW, and i have a POAS addiction, I use them every day (almost) till AF arrives!!

ovulation brings.....

So I started the clomid, a low dose fertility drug that should bring on ovulation. We are doing everything that we have to do, following Dr orders. And I think I was ovulating. but who knows. I was extremely emotional and had signs and symptoms of ovulation, so now we have the 2 week waiting game to see what happens.

2 weeks.

2 weeks, in theory you dont think it is a long time, but when you are waiting and watching the clock & calendar, time seems to drag. I am trying to be patient, I think that's what I was supposed to learn through all of this. Being patient, waiting on the LORD. So even though we are supposed to be waiting, I did ask the dr for fertility drugs, my body seems to fail me on this. Its all in Gods hands anyway. I dont see why fertility drugs wont just give me that extra boost, if it isn't meant to be, it wont be.

And now we wait. If this doesn't happen I dont know how much more I can go through, There is so much stress and timing, and taking the right meds, watching waiting, counting, checking,  planned intercourse isn't nearly as fun as it sounds. Being emotional, i put my body through a lot. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I get my hopes up and get excited.... so I dont know how many cycles of this we will go through...

and then if i do get pregnant I will have anxiety and fears of yet another loss.... threes strikes and I am out.
I had 2 losses already a 3rd would break me even more and definitely have me questioning whether or not we were suppose to have more kids.

So thats where I am, waiting, praying, waiting, praying

possibly moving forward (possibly)

So it looks as though things may be moving forward even in the forward direction I want. Yes I long for Gods will in this life. I am obviously lost especially after the roller coaster ride I have been on for the last 2 years.

Dr visit went well, I had lost a few more lbs and the Dr was pleased with that progress. So fertility drugs to help jump start ovulation. Praying. Its been over a yr now since I lost my little girl. I have good days and bad days.

Some days I get mad and want to smack the person next to me who cries at the beginning of  Disney's TARZAN movie, ""Its so sad when the mother gorilla has to go on without her baby gorilla"" says a coworker of mine.... REALLY!! Its sad. TRY LIVING IT!! I say none of these things I have become slightly better at holding it together.  Other days I dont hold it in so well. My sister mentions the trauma our niece went through the first few weeks of her life. I am so thankful my niece is here, but she is HERE, right? she is alive and God answered those prayers and let us keep her & love on this amazing little girl. So I say "she is alive right?" to my sister. she walks away. Ok so some days I dont do so well at holding it all together. I apologize.

I was promoted at work, that should give me some new challenges and help me stop focusing on my body and the fact it fails me so often. I am excited to be moving up, and have a little more flexible schedule, possibly even be home for dinner a few nights a week!! Excited for the raise and the fact James and I have made some dents in our debt.

Looking forward to the future. I continue to say this is MY year. I have done a good job losing weight and keeping it off, I am going to continue to do this, slowly, but surely!! Promotion at work! And now some fertility drugs. Hoping and praying for the future.

forgiven?

This blog will be truly honest, very brutally honest.

I need to forgive and forget and then move on. I am stuck. To me it is still last yr, I am still grieving. I still wish for all that was lost. I feel hurt, betrayed by so many. Friends, family, even my God. Why didn't He save me from this fate? Why do I feel abandoned? Why do I have to walk this road, when so many other have such better roads, filled with less pain and less tragedy?

So I need to forgive, the friend who was mean to me after my 2nd loss, and when I explained to her I thought she was being rude and insensitive to my needs ESPECIALLY after 2 losses, she didn't care. What a friend you really are! So I literally deleted her from my life. Well at least for a while, She has currently shown back up and wishes to see me.....but I still hurt. How can you be so callous and insensitive when in August I miscarried for the 2nd time? How could you be so rude, I thought you were a true friend, we have known each other since we were kids.  So I hold on to things. I need to forgive, and forget and move one. If she wished to be a true friend, TIME will tell, either she will prove herself, or not. I forgive you.

I need to forgive a family member, someone who I look up to, mentor, father like figure. Hurt me as well. I had just found out i was pregnant in July, and we didn't tell many people for fear of miscarriage. We told them, we wanted prayers and comfort and guidance. A pregnancy after a lose raised my anxiety and fears of another loss. What I got was criticism, and lectured. It hurt. I remember it. I need to forgive and forget, and move forward. Obviously I miscarried in August and those words haunted me.I forgive you.

My Lord, I need to forgive you. I feel like I was abandoned. How can you bless me with a child and allow me to carry so far into a pregnancy? to feel the flutters of the baby moving, to feel those tiny kicks. To be able to see her on the ultrasound and see her kicking and moving. How can you take a child so soon? How can you leave me broken, and beaten? Where were you? Why wasn't I saved from this fate? I feel I was wronged.  See I had forgiven you for allowing me to go through all I had gone through growing up with an abusive father, physically, sexually abused. I forgave you for that. I cant put my finger on it, but there was a reason and it molded me into the person I am. I also assumed I had been through enough crap in my life that I should have a free pass now. Having a childhood wrought with abuse was enough, right? I feel abandoned. I know you have plans for me, my life, but I am still so close to this tragedy that I cant see any good out of it. so for now I forgive you. I trust you. I pray for healing, WHOLE healing. I pray for your will to be done in my life, I am broken please shape me into what you want me to be.

I need to forgive myself. I beat myself up, that I failed in some way, that my own body failed me. I somehow caused this to happen to me. So I forgive myself. I cant change the past. It is over and done. All I can do is move forward and be as healthy as a person as I can be (despite my medical diagnosis). I will let it go and stop beating myself up over the what-ifs and the WHY's. I forgive myself.

healing road hurts

As I am on this journey called grief.... It hurts still and mostly I blog on days I hurt so I apologize if all you feel I write is about my bad days.

In the last week several close family members and friends announced their pregnancies. I am still grieving over my losses. Still. And although we keep trying I can only walk this road so long before I get discouraged and pray that we stop trying. Every day I track my cycle, ovulating, cervical mucous, any noted spotting, period starting, intercourse, etc. Because I have PCOS I dont have normal periods. So every day I check for the fertile mucous. I know it sounds disgusting... but after days, weeks, months of not conceiving you get discouraged. So much so that I dont wanna try any more. I cry when I get my period, devastated over a monthly period. Over the fact my body has failed me once again. Over all those teenagers who get pregnant without trying. Over the fact that my last pregnancy was a miscarriage and my last baby I held in my arms I had to turn over to a funeral home. How can that be my last baby?

So hurting as people around me announce their pregnancies. My body fails me. I diet, I exercise. And yet my PCOS continues to win the battle. I continue to carry the weight around with me despite my dieting and gym time. PCOS continues to win.

I am trying to heal, but what a road this is....