forgiven?

This blog will be truly honest, very brutally honest.

I need to forgive and forget and then move on. I am stuck. To me it is still last yr, I am still grieving. I still wish for all that was lost. I feel hurt, betrayed by so many. Friends, family, even my God. Why didn't He save me from this fate? Why do I feel abandoned? Why do I have to walk this road, when so many other have such better roads, filled with less pain and less tragedy?

So I need to forgive, the friend who was mean to me after my 2nd loss, and when I explained to her I thought she was being rude and insensitive to my needs ESPECIALLY after 2 losses, she didn't care. What a friend you really are! So I literally deleted her from my life. Well at least for a while, She has currently shown back up and wishes to see me.....but I still hurt. How can you be so callous and insensitive when in August I miscarried for the 2nd time? How could you be so rude, I thought you were a true friend, we have known each other since we were kids.  So I hold on to things. I need to forgive, and forget and move one. If she wished to be a true friend, TIME will tell, either she will prove herself, or not. I forgive you.

I need to forgive a family member, someone who I look up to, mentor, father like figure. Hurt me as well. I had just found out i was pregnant in July, and we didn't tell many people for fear of miscarriage. We told them, we wanted prayers and comfort and guidance. A pregnancy after a lose raised my anxiety and fears of another loss. What I got was criticism, and lectured. It hurt. I remember it. I need to forgive and forget, and move forward. Obviously I miscarried in August and those words haunted me.I forgive you.

My Lord, I need to forgive you. I feel like I was abandoned. How can you bless me with a child and allow me to carry so far into a pregnancy? to feel the flutters of the baby moving, to feel those tiny kicks. To be able to see her on the ultrasound and see her kicking and moving. How can you take a child so soon? How can you leave me broken, and beaten? Where were you? Why wasn't I saved from this fate? I feel I was wronged.  See I had forgiven you for allowing me to go through all I had gone through growing up with an abusive father, physically, sexually abused. I forgave you for that. I cant put my finger on it, but there was a reason and it molded me into the person I am. I also assumed I had been through enough crap in my life that I should have a free pass now. Having a childhood wrought with abuse was enough, right? I feel abandoned. I know you have plans for me, my life, but I am still so close to this tragedy that I cant see any good out of it. so for now I forgive you. I trust you. I pray for healing, WHOLE healing. I pray for your will to be done in my life, I am broken please shape me into what you want me to be.

I need to forgive myself. I beat myself up, that I failed in some way, that my own body failed me. I somehow caused this to happen to me. So I forgive myself. I cant change the past. It is over and done. All I can do is move forward and be as healthy as a person as I can be (despite my medical diagnosis). I will let it go and stop beating myself up over the what-ifs and the WHY's. I forgive myself.