healing road hurts

As I am on this journey called grief.... It hurts still and mostly I blog on days I hurt so I apologize if all you feel I write is about my bad days.

In the last week several close family members and friends announced their pregnancies. I am still grieving over my losses. Still. And although we keep trying I can only walk this road so long before I get discouraged and pray that we stop trying. Every day I track my cycle, ovulating, cervical mucous, any noted spotting, period starting, intercourse, etc. Because I have PCOS I dont have normal periods. So every day I check for the fertile mucous. I know it sounds disgusting... but after days, weeks, months of not conceiving you get discouraged. So much so that I dont wanna try any more. I cry when I get my period, devastated over a monthly period. Over the fact my body has failed me once again. Over all those teenagers who get pregnant without trying. Over the fact that my last pregnancy was a miscarriage and my last baby I held in my arms I had to turn over to a funeral home. How can that be my last baby?

So hurting as people around me announce their pregnancies. My body fails me. I diet, I exercise. And yet my PCOS continues to win the battle. I continue to carry the weight around with me despite my dieting and gym time. PCOS continues to win.

I am trying to heal, but what a road this is....