this should be called.....

Casey complains a lot. Yes I should change the name from "this crazy life" to "Casey complains" But oh well dont read it then.

I get frustrated so easily. It look as if others have plans and their plans may hit a few pot holes but they have a fairly decent road to travel on and it looks like they are driving just fine. My road is full of U turns, and Dead ends - and I am not driving, I am walking this road. Daily. I get frustrated. I wanted to go back to college, but I can afford it, so I cant. even if I could take out loans and stuff I need a thousand dollars first. Not gonna happen.

so I continue to work at a job I like most days and pay my bills and do my best.

 "Whatever you do work at it with all your heart as for working for the Lord, not man. Colossians 3:23

I however am tired of being the bread winner, know what happens when the woman earns more money - it all goes under when she goes on maternity leave, medical leave etc.

I worked hard and put my husband through college, he has a college degree that he is not using. I get frustrated. very frustrated.

Other people around me are getting pregnant and having twins and are not even trying. I am on meds, I exercise, I diet, I count days, take tests, check cervical mucous, I am trying here. I have lost 20 lbs. I am working hard at getting pregnant. Everyone around me is easily getting pregnant, and those that are pregnant are having their babies and bringing them home from the hospital. My baby went from the hospital to a funeral home.

I am trying so hard because somewhere deep inside me I blame myself for my daughters death.   Yes I have these thought because my child died, and I wonder if it was my fault.

So I feel that I need to have another baby to know it wasnt me. That it isnt my fault. that it was Gods plan and that my rainbow will come after the storm passes.

counseling

It is sad to say that my son has had more counseling appts than I have. I want nothing more than to protect my children. Protect them from bullies, and abuse, and name calling. I want them to grow up in a home that is built on ROCK. We live for Jesus and try to show others Jesus love. I try to give my children everything I didn't have growing up. a safe place. SAFE. where no one is getting drunk and forgetting what they did to you.

Anyway James and I went to counselling today, for our son. We discussed what we want out of these visits, what we are hoping he will achieve by seeing a counselor. My son has had more counseling in the last 6 months than I have had in my entire life. (Entire life and believe me I could fill a book about the crap that has happened to me) Anyway it was hard. I had to admit to my sons therapist that I have not been seeing a counselor, that we as a culture think we should just get over stuff and just be happy already. People dont want to hear if I am having a bad day and missing my baby so much I want to die. I dont feel like I have solid support around me. Half my friends and family have had babies within the last year or two. so no one wants to hear me cry over my baby.

 Its been almost 7 months. People dont understand. the moment you take that test your life is forever changed. Wether you carry that child to term, or have a miscarriage just a few weeks later. The moment you know this little pink person in coming into your life.... it is forever changed. Images of chubby cheeks and toothless smiles fill your mind, of that baby smell, of swaddling, cuddling, and rocking for days on end. And when it is taken away from you - you feel lost. My womb is empty, my arms ache and I have a crib in storage that has never been used by me.

I envisioned spending my summer engrossed with an infant. And trying to juggle my two amazing boys with the demands of a newborn. I envisioned nursing, and singing and dancing. And laughing!! oh the laughing and smiles a new baby brings into your life.

I miss it all. I hurt, my heart is heavy.

Texas

So my son is on his way to Texas. He wanted to go see all the family we have in Texas and my sister in law is moving there so it worked out well and saved me some money. So he has only been gone 24 hours. It is different for me, I know he is ok, but he is a thousand miles away.  He has stayed at grandmas house for a week or longer and not even called me, text me, etc. I wasn't too upset and didn't miss him terribly. This time, it has only been 24 hours and I miss him terribly, my heart aches for my little boy. I know I cant get to him (easily). Would take a very expensive plane ride, or a 24 hour car ride to get to him.

Its different this time. I miss him. He has been sending me text messages telling me how much fun he is having and they have been driving this whole time. Cant wait for all the fun he will have when he gets to see rest of his cousins, grandma and grandpa and rest of his aunts and uncles.

Love you JJ and miss you. Glad you are having fun!

saying goodbye

I dont like to say good bye, it hurts. You dont know when you will see that person again. Life is crazy..... things happen, you may never see that persona again in this life. I know that is a horrible way to think but it is how I think. So I have family leaving soon. I dont like it, I may not see them for a year or two. It hurts. Especially when you think about all those great memories you have and how often you were able to see them. And how often you will see them from now on. And what great friends your family is. *SIGH*  So I am dealing the best way I can, trying to look at the positive. I have one more vacation spot to go to.

For me it gets personal, especially when this individual has been there for you so much in the last year. Yes I keep whining about the last year. It was a rough year for me. So I am grateful for this person and their friendship and their encouragement. I am grateful to her for all the talks and texts and visits. For letting me be the cool aunt and buy their kids ridiculous items like nail polish for a 3 yr old (and she ruined her skirt with it). I love being cool aunt and spoiling the kids.... I will miss you seester!

for my husband!

to my hubby

this picture was taken back in 1997 - we had just started dating

Ten years. Can you believe it? Some days I cant. Other days it feels like we have been married forever. I cant think of the right words to express my love and appreciation for you and all you do for me, for your family.

We have been through a lot the last few years, Heck the last ten years. I am thankful you stuck through it with me. Deciding to try to fix our marriage and try counseling - it would have been easier to walk away. To put each other and our family back in priority

Standing by me as we endured what we have in the last year. Being supportive and helpful as I recovered from a broken tail bone. 

Being amazing and helping during our last pregnancy. Standing by my side the entire time while we went through a tumultuous time with our daughter. 

I dont think I could have gone on. Many days I didn't want to get out of bed, face the day.... and you were there. Holding me, being loving, and caring. Thanks doesn't seem like enough. Thats all I can do is Thank you and love you back every day.

I love you James. I love you for you, not who you want to be,or who you think you need to be, but I love you for you. For the sweet, caring, compassionate man who wakes up next to me everyday. For the great father and good cook you are. For the spiritual leader in our home. For the sensitive man who cried at the birth of all our children. I love you!

I love you. 10 years. Cant wait to see what the next ten hold.

Wedding Day 7-13-2001

new adventures

We are waiting. waiting to get pregnant, waiting for good jobs, waiting for opportunities to move. Waiting. I am not a patient person. However my husband is amazingly patient, and almost has a laid back approach to everything. He rarely gets upset and rarely rushes. And he doesn't mind waiting. He definitely is more patient than I am.

I want things to happen now.

I dont like that I am not pregnant yet. I was hoping to get pregnant a few months after losing our baby girl. Hasn't happened yet. I get tired of counting days, doing period math, checking for ovulation signs, taking those ovulation tests and having intercourse like it is a chore. However I want to get pregnant. but I am not patient, I continue to hope it happens every month and every month when my period comes I am devastated.

I am not a hundred percent sold on my new job, I dont like that. I would like to go back to school, but you cant go today or tomorrow you have to wait and save up money and pay off debt before you go back to college.  I would also love to find a better job, I have been applying for the last few weeks, but haven't heard anything. I am not patient.

I am ready for things to change, change I can control though. Last year I didn't have a chance to have control. I couldn't control what happened to my baby girl, I couldn't control breaking my tail bone. So some good change would be nice.

I believe in free will, I do. God has given us free will, choices we are allowed to make, changes we are allowed to do - all within his Holy and Perfect Will. Praying some of these changes are in His will and that HE will lead us where we are to go.

cards I have been dealt

So this blog is mostly venting, feel free to skip and not read this. 


I should be use to this by now. Life never goes my way and apparently God is trying to teach me something because this happens to me over and over and over again. AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And obviously I am not smart enough to learn my lesson I have to live like this....


I shouldn't wallow and maybe it is time fore some counseling. I have had a rough year, a rough year. I broke my tail bone last summer and was off work. What do you do when you are the bread winner and you cant move because you broke your tail bone. nothing, you lay around and do physical therapy. and get super far behind in bills and rack up those medical bills....


Then amazingly PT works and I go back to work and AMAZINGLY  I- who has no fertility gets pregnant. fantastic miracle. Really blessed. really!! And for the fist couple weeks it is touch and go and my blood numbers (HCG numbers) are up and down and up and down and the dr calls to tell me I will probably have a miscarriage at 7 weeks. Miraculously I go to the ER and everything is fine, in fact my baby has a heartbeat, and looks perfect. Then a few more weeks go by and more complications. Then taken off work. Then at 18 weeks 6 days pregnant we find out the baby has no heartbeat. Then at 19 weeks 5 days I deliver my baby girl. See I have boys, I have been raising boys so I marveled at a little girl. And I feel the loss every day. Every day I have to live without my daughter I hurt, EVERY DAY!


So now when dumb little things happen I cant get through it. Cause I am carrying this around. so when things like-- not being able to see my family off -- I get upset cause I cant go and see them. Family members are moving and I cant go, cause I am the bread winner and I have to work. I have to work, no one will switch with me, no one will trade, and I have no personal time, vacation time cause I am too new. So I cant go. I dont get to see my family move to Texas. I have only visited Texas once. 1 time since rest of the family moved. 1 time in 5 yrs. once. So chance are I wont be visiting them. I will have to wait for them to come up and visit us. 


So I get frustrated when any little thing happens, things dont go my way, Life happens, I cant deal with it, I cant handle the let downs in life. 


I get annoyed to see other people succeed when I have worked so hard and done so much for others to stand back and watch them succeed. When do I get to? I worked just as hard to put my husband through school, where is my degree? oh wait I dont get one, I didn't attend classes. Doesn't matter that I have worked and worked and worked 50-60 hour weeks for years and missed out of so much stuff, so many activities, so many plays, ceremonies, games. Cause I have to work, cause I am the bread winner.


This is my Life.

keep it in check

I dont know that I care to be all emotional,  female hormones out of control.  I dont have normal periods, but the dr put me on meds so every month I have one now. Means several times a month I get super emotional and cant even control my own emotions from running away with me.

So I am trying to keep them in check and to remain positive. Focus on God and my family and just do my best. Thats all I can do. I cant change the situation around me. I am stuck, but I can change my perspective and to focus on other parts of my life. Such as my awesome husband, and my amazing children :)

frustrated

I am frustrated, irritated with life. I work full time job and am trying my best to be positive and to stay positive. I work hard to pay the bills and I make ok money, nothing great but it pays the bills and is more than what my husband makes. I am so frustrated right now, for years I have worked ad worked and worked and put my husband through school and now that I would like to go back to school I cant. He has a college degree and cant do anything with it. years of college and although my name is not on the degree- it should be-- goodness, I worked just as hard as he did to get it. So now I am still working and working and working, cause I make the money. I pay the bills and now that I want to go back to school I cant. So I am feeling stuck.Stuck here in a so-so job. Stuck in this apartment cause I am paying off debt. Stuck. this sucks

sorry I am trying not to complain but sometimes I just gotta vent

A Poem Of You Tell On Yourself...

You Tell On YOURSELF By Friends You Keep
By Simple Very Manner In Which You Speak
By How You Employ Your Leisure Time
By How You Spend Your Dollar And Dime

You Tell On Yourself By Things You Wear
By Spirit In Which Your Burdens Bear
By The Things At Which You Laugh
By Music You Play On Your Record Player

You Tell On Yourself By The Way You Walk
By Things In Which You Delight To Talk
By The Manner In Which You Bear Defeat
By So Simple A Thing As How You Eat
By Books You Choose From Well Filled Shelf
By Dumb Or Great Poem That You Write

In These Ways More You Tell On Yourself
So,There Is No Particle Of Sense 
In Effort To Keep Up False Pretense...
Make Peace With Your False Pretense!

Author Unknown

run away

Some days I want to run away. I mean it. 


People dont understand that losing my child has made me a different person, someone I dont even know, or recognize myself. I feel the desire to run. To do something different in life, to see and to do.


 I feel trapped. 


I cant identify this urge or why I am having it. I just feel the need to try different things and to actually feel like I am living again. Most days I just go through the motions and try to make it through the day. That is my goal -- make it through the day. 


Lately I see people around me living their life and am jealous. they take chances, they do the unexpected, and yet I see them succeed. 


Why do I feel as if life is passing me by?  That I am stuck here.... forever. 


Maybe it is all of life's expectations on us? We all are trying to achieve the "American Dream" so we spend our days working long and hard and for what?


~Wanting to live~

church

Well church today was interesting not the normal sermon you expect to hear - or maybe it was the twist the minister put on the sermon. Normally when you hear the verse "Take up your cross and follow me - Anyone who keeps his life will lose it; and anyone who loses his life for me shall find it again. What good is it if you gain the whole world but lose your soul? " (Matthew 16:24-26)

Normally you think - ah I need to prioritize better, put God first, not be so materialistic. (which are all good things to do, really)

Today they spoke about the fact that to literally pick up your cross - Jesus's cross was His suffering and His death for OUR SINS -HE predicted His suffering and His death on the cross. Literally meaning take up your suffering and possible death for Jesus.

They talked about why we suffer here, and that in it we cannot know why, but our heavenly father knows why. That as we cry out to Him - He knows what is better for out, for our soul, for Eternity.

I pictured this as us being toddlers - in the midst of whatever we are going through we may throw a fit when we want something and dont get our way, However as parents we can see the bigger picture and that as long as my child is safe I will let them throw a fit and not get their way, for their own good.

I thought about myself and what I have been going through. (yes I am pretty selfish, I think about myself a lot, especially while I am grieving) Losing my daughter at almost 20 weeks pregnant and having to endure watching other people pregnant and all of them having healthy babies. I have let my grieving turn into bitterness. However if I am bitter I cannot let my Lord heal me. For whatever reason I need to endure, persevere and suffer through this. I need to cry out to my Heavenly Father and let Him heal me. I pray that although I am throwing my tantrum now because I have not gotten my way I pray God will bless me in the future and will use this situation to bring Glory to Him.

more later!

6-29-11

Most nights I cant sleep, or I cry myself to sleep.... I think about my baby girl and how different my life would be with her in it. I know she is in heaven and cant wait for the day to hold her again, but I cant get over my loss. People around me have their babies. About a dozen people I know all had their babies within the last yr and they all have their babies. My baby is in heaven. Its only been 6 months. I still hurt.

Honestly I thought by now I would have gotten pregnant (not that my children are replaceable or interchangeable) but figured that getting pregnant would give me something to focus on and would help with my healing. Having a successful pregnancy would ease my mind and remind me that it wasn't my fault, would help me realize that I am not being punished for some sins or some wrong doing.

But here I am 6 months later, not pregnant and frustrated with life.