this should be called.....

Casey complains a lot. Yes I should change the name from "this crazy life" to "Casey complains" But oh well dont read it then.

I get frustrated so easily. It look as if others have plans and their plans may hit a few pot holes but they have a fairly decent road to travel on and it looks like they are driving just fine. My road is full of U turns, and Dead ends - and I am not driving, I am walking this road. Daily. I get frustrated. I wanted to go back to college, but I can afford it, so I cant. even if I could take out loans and stuff I need a thousand dollars first. Not gonna happen.

so I continue to work at a job I like most days and pay my bills and do my best.

 "Whatever you do work at it with all your heart as for working for the Lord, not man. Colossians 3:23

I however am tired of being the bread winner, know what happens when the woman earns more money - it all goes under when she goes on maternity leave, medical leave etc.

I worked hard and put my husband through college, he has a college degree that he is not using. I get frustrated. very frustrated.

Other people around me are getting pregnant and having twins and are not even trying. I am on meds, I exercise, I diet, I count days, take tests, check cervical mucous, I am trying here. I have lost 20 lbs. I am working hard at getting pregnant. Everyone around me is easily getting pregnant, and those that are pregnant are having their babies and bringing them home from the hospital. My baby went from the hospital to a funeral home.

I am trying so hard because somewhere deep inside me I blame myself for my daughters death.   Yes I have these thought because my child died, and I wonder if it was my fault.

So I feel that I need to have another baby to know it wasnt me. That it isnt my fault. that it was Gods plan and that my rainbow will come after the storm passes.