counseling

It is sad to say that my son has had more counseling appts than I have. I want nothing more than to protect my children. Protect them from bullies, and abuse, and name calling. I want them to grow up in a home that is built on ROCK. We live for Jesus and try to show others Jesus love. I try to give my children everything I didn't have growing up. a safe place. SAFE. where no one is getting drunk and forgetting what they did to you.

Anyway James and I went to counselling today, for our son. We discussed what we want out of these visits, what we are hoping he will achieve by seeing a counselor. My son has had more counseling in the last 6 months than I have had in my entire life. (Entire life and believe me I could fill a book about the crap that has happened to me) Anyway it was hard. I had to admit to my sons therapist that I have not been seeing a counselor, that we as a culture think we should just get over stuff and just be happy already. People dont want to hear if I am having a bad day and missing my baby so much I want to die. I dont feel like I have solid support around me. Half my friends and family have had babies within the last year or two. so no one wants to hear me cry over my baby.

 Its been almost 7 months. People dont understand. the moment you take that test your life is forever changed. Wether you carry that child to term, or have a miscarriage just a few weeks later. The moment you know this little pink person in coming into your life.... it is forever changed. Images of chubby cheeks and toothless smiles fill your mind, of that baby smell, of swaddling, cuddling, and rocking for days on end. And when it is taken away from you - you feel lost. My womb is empty, my arms ache and I have a crib in storage that has never been used by me.

I envisioned spending my summer engrossed with an infant. And trying to juggle my two amazing boys with the demands of a newborn. I envisioned nursing, and singing and dancing. And laughing!! oh the laughing and smiles a new baby brings into your life.

I miss it all. I hurt, my heart is heavy.