cards I have been dealt

So this blog is mostly venting, feel free to skip and not read this. 


I should be use to this by now. Life never goes my way and apparently God is trying to teach me something because this happens to me over and over and over again. AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And obviously I am not smart enough to learn my lesson I have to live like this....


I shouldn't wallow and maybe it is time fore some counseling. I have had a rough year, a rough year. I broke my tail bone last summer and was off work. What do you do when you are the bread winner and you cant move because you broke your tail bone. nothing, you lay around and do physical therapy. and get super far behind in bills and rack up those medical bills....


Then amazingly PT works and I go back to work and AMAZINGLY  I- who has no fertility gets pregnant. fantastic miracle. Really blessed. really!! And for the fist couple weeks it is touch and go and my blood numbers (HCG numbers) are up and down and up and down and the dr calls to tell me I will probably have a miscarriage at 7 weeks. Miraculously I go to the ER and everything is fine, in fact my baby has a heartbeat, and looks perfect. Then a few more weeks go by and more complications. Then taken off work. Then at 18 weeks 6 days pregnant we find out the baby has no heartbeat. Then at 19 weeks 5 days I deliver my baby girl. See I have boys, I have been raising boys so I marveled at a little girl. And I feel the loss every day. Every day I have to live without my daughter I hurt, EVERY DAY!


So now when dumb little things happen I cant get through it. Cause I am carrying this around. so when things like-- not being able to see my family off -- I get upset cause I cant go and see them. Family members are moving and I cant go, cause I am the bread winner and I have to work. I have to work, no one will switch with me, no one will trade, and I have no personal time, vacation time cause I am too new. So I cant go. I dont get to see my family move to Texas. I have only visited Texas once. 1 time since rest of the family moved. 1 time in 5 yrs. once. So chance are I wont be visiting them. I will have to wait for them to come up and visit us. 


So I get frustrated when any little thing happens, things dont go my way, Life happens, I cant deal with it, I cant handle the let downs in life. 


I get annoyed to see other people succeed when I have worked so hard and done so much for others to stand back and watch them succeed. When do I get to? I worked just as hard to put my husband through school, where is my degree? oh wait I dont get one, I didn't attend classes. Doesn't matter that I have worked and worked and worked 50-60 hour weeks for years and missed out of so much stuff, so many activities, so many plays, ceremonies, games. Cause I have to work, cause I am the bread winner.


This is my Life.