So it looks as though things may be moving forward even in the forward direction I want. Yes I long for Gods will in this life. I am obviously lost especially after the roller coaster ride I have been on for the last 2 years.
Dr visit went well, I had lost a few more lbs and the Dr was pleased with that progress. So fertility drugs to help jump start ovulation. Praying. Its been over a yr now since I lost my little girl. I have good days and bad days.
Some days I get mad and want to smack the person next to me who cries at the beginning of Disney's TARZAN movie, ""Its so sad when the mother gorilla has to go on without her baby gorilla"" says a coworker of mine.... REALLY!! Its sad. TRY LIVING IT!! I say none of these things I have become slightly better at holding it together. Other days I dont hold it in so well. My sister mentions the trauma our niece went through the first few weeks of her life. I am so thankful my niece is here, but she is HERE, right? she is alive and God answered those prayers and let us keep her & love on this amazing little girl. So I say "she is alive right?" to my sister. she walks away. Ok so some days I dont do so well at holding it all together. I apologize.
I was promoted at work, that should give me some new challenges and help me stop focusing on my body and the fact it fails me so often. I am excited to be moving up, and have a little more flexible schedule, possibly even be home for dinner a few nights a week!! Excited for the raise and the fact James and I have made some dents in our debt.
Looking forward to the future. I continue to say this is MY year. I have done a good job losing weight and keeping it off, I am going to continue to do this, slowly, but surely!! Promotion at work! And now some fertility drugs. Hoping and praying for the future.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
forgiven?
This blog will be truly honest, very brutally honest.
I need to forgive and forget and then move on. I am stuck. To me it is still last yr, I am still grieving. I still wish for all that was lost. I feel hurt, betrayed by so many. Friends, family, even my God. Why didn't He save me from this fate? Why do I feel abandoned? Why do I have to walk this road, when so many other have such better roads, filled with less pain and less tragedy?
So I need to forgive, the friend who was mean to me after my 2nd loss, and when I explained to her I thought she was being rude and insensitive to my needs ESPECIALLY after 2 losses, she didn't care. What a friend you really are! So I literally deleted her from my life. Well at least for a while, She has currently shown back up and wishes to see me.....but I still hurt. How can you be so callous and insensitive when in August I miscarried for the 2nd time? How could you be so rude, I thought you were a true friend, we have known each other since we were kids. So I hold on to things. I need to forgive, and forget and move one. If she wished to be a true friend, TIME will tell, either she will prove herself, or not. I forgive you.
I need to forgive a family member, someone who I look up to, mentor, father like figure. Hurt me as well. I had just found out i was pregnant in July, and we didn't tell many people for fear of miscarriage. We told them, we wanted prayers and comfort and guidance. A pregnancy after a lose raised my anxiety and fears of another loss. What I got was criticism, and lectured. It hurt. I remember it. I need to forgive and forget, and move forward. Obviously I miscarried in August and those words haunted me.I forgive you.
My Lord, I need to forgive you. I feel like I was abandoned. How can you bless me with a child and allow me to carry so far into a pregnancy? to feel the flutters of the baby moving, to feel those tiny kicks. To be able to see her on the ultrasound and see her kicking and moving. How can you take a child so soon? How can you leave me broken, and beaten? Where were you? Why wasn't I saved from this fate? I feel I was wronged. See I had forgiven you for allowing me to go through all I had gone through growing up with an abusive father, physically, sexually abused. I forgave you for that. I cant put my finger on it, but there was a reason and it molded me into the person I am. I also assumed I had been through enough crap in my life that I should have a free pass now. Having a childhood wrought with abuse was enough, right? I feel abandoned. I know you have plans for me, my life, but I am still so close to this tragedy that I cant see any good out of it. so for now I forgive you. I trust you. I pray for healing, WHOLE healing. I pray for your will to be done in my life, I am broken please shape me into what you want me to be.
I need to forgive myself. I beat myself up, that I failed in some way, that my own body failed me. I somehow caused this to happen to me. So I forgive myself. I cant change the past. It is over and done. All I can do is move forward and be as healthy as a person as I can be (despite my medical diagnosis). I will let it go and stop beating myself up over the what-ifs and the WHY's. I forgive myself.
I need to forgive and forget and then move on. I am stuck. To me it is still last yr, I am still grieving. I still wish for all that was lost. I feel hurt, betrayed by so many. Friends, family, even my God. Why didn't He save me from this fate? Why do I feel abandoned? Why do I have to walk this road, when so many other have such better roads, filled with less pain and less tragedy?
So I need to forgive, the friend who was mean to me after my 2nd loss, and when I explained to her I thought she was being rude and insensitive to my needs ESPECIALLY after 2 losses, she didn't care. What a friend you really are! So I literally deleted her from my life. Well at least for a while, She has currently shown back up and wishes to see me.....but I still hurt. How can you be so callous and insensitive when in August I miscarried for the 2nd time? How could you be so rude, I thought you were a true friend, we have known each other since we were kids. So I hold on to things. I need to forgive, and forget and move one. If she wished to be a true friend, TIME will tell, either she will prove herself, or not. I forgive you.
I need to forgive a family member, someone who I look up to, mentor, father like figure. Hurt me as well. I had just found out i was pregnant in July, and we didn't tell many people for fear of miscarriage. We told them, we wanted prayers and comfort and guidance. A pregnancy after a lose raised my anxiety and fears of another loss. What I got was criticism, and lectured. It hurt. I remember it. I need to forgive and forget, and move forward. Obviously I miscarried in August and those words haunted me.I forgive you.
My Lord, I need to forgive you. I feel like I was abandoned. How can you bless me with a child and allow me to carry so far into a pregnancy? to feel the flutters of the baby moving, to feel those tiny kicks. To be able to see her on the ultrasound and see her kicking and moving. How can you take a child so soon? How can you leave me broken, and beaten? Where were you? Why wasn't I saved from this fate? I feel I was wronged. See I had forgiven you for allowing me to go through all I had gone through growing up with an abusive father, physically, sexually abused. I forgave you for that. I cant put my finger on it, but there was a reason and it molded me into the person I am. I also assumed I had been through enough crap in my life that I should have a free pass now. Having a childhood wrought with abuse was enough, right? I feel abandoned. I know you have plans for me, my life, but I am still so close to this tragedy that I cant see any good out of it. so for now I forgive you. I trust you. I pray for healing, WHOLE healing. I pray for your will to be done in my life, I am broken please shape me into what you want me to be.
I need to forgive myself. I beat myself up, that I failed in some way, that my own body failed me. I somehow caused this to happen to me. So I forgive myself. I cant change the past. It is over and done. All I can do is move forward and be as healthy as a person as I can be (despite my medical diagnosis). I will let it go and stop beating myself up over the what-ifs and the WHY's. I forgive myself.
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