Hormonal

I cant even begin to describe to you how hormonal I have been the last few days... At various times I find myself in tears, overwhelmed by all these feelings.

Thursday our family came to visit and of course their healthy baby girl, (conceived only 6 weeks prior to my baby girl) came as well. I love my niece, goodness knows she has melted my heart more than a few times. She is a living reminder of everything I dont have.

So while she is paying on the floor I envision my baby Lilly playing her cousin as they would have been born just 6-8 weeks part. But this is not reality, as my baby is in heaven. We go to the park, and I see my little perfect baby niece and almost instantly I can picture my little girl with her cousin enjoying the swings as well... At dinner when my niece's little hands are grasping for food to put in her little mouth, I can see my little girl sitting next to her doing the same thing. I cannot look at her and not think of my baby Lilly.

Randomly these thoughts would emerge from my subconscious and tears would flow... I would try to fight them back as I have to be strong for everyone and want everyone around me to be comfortable..

So I fight back, and hold off until I am alone, until bedtime, until everyone is asleep and then I cry, then I pour out my heart, and I pray to Jesus to make me whole as only He can.

I  have been on these fertility drugs for awhile now. This PCOS is killing me. I have been on a super strict low carb, low sugar diet and about 90% of the time I do really well and stick to it. I also have taken  up running and exercise to try to get in the best shape I can be in. TTC is really taking it out of me. These fertility drugs though, last month I made these little eggs, so tomorrow I have another ultrasound and am praying that with this super strict diet and the double dose of clomid, that I will have made some real eggs. I am hopeful, and yet still in the back of my mind I am doubtful....

So prayers and hoping, praying...

hoping for the best, preparing for the worst....