still hard.

a year ago I was pregnant and miserable. nothing could go right, nothing. I had been put on maternity leave right as i entered the 2nd trimester. I was frustrated. I had managed to make a career and a decent living out of something I loved, something I was passionate about, and now I had to sit home doing nothing? no income coming in, nothing to do. Just hang out with my kids. I was not that kind of a mom. I had a career. I was focused. I was the bread winner. What were we gonna do without my income? Who was gonna pay the bills, rent? groceries? I cried and grieved over my job. sounds silly. I know. but I did. I cried and cried and wished not to be pregnant.

I cant believe that. I still cant. A year later knowing what i know now, I wish i could go back and tell myself to rejoice the life within my body.... maybe things would have ended up differently. I blame myself. I do. I grieved over a job, a job i dont have today. A job that was taken away from me just 6 months later. Yet i cried over a job and mourned over a career gone. I complained constantly about being pregnant, had terrible mood swings, and was constantly edgy. I am sure my family wished i wasn't hormonal as well.

A year later I would give anything for a positive pregnancy test. To rejoice and be daily amazed at the miracle that is life. To hear that little heartbeat, to see the little fetus wave and move on the ultrasound screen. To feel the little flutters of that infants kicks.  I would gladly take on heartburn, morning sickness, back aches, muscle pains, sore feet all for a precious child.

I still grieve over my little precious baby girl. Oh how different my life would be if she were in my arms.... or at least i like to think that..... Would i still be such a career driven woman? Would I prefer to be at work than to come home and listen to fighting children? I would like to say that I hope she would have changed me.

I know she has changed my life being gone. I cherish my children now more than anything, I realize what wonderful amazing little miracles they are. I may not be able to have more children. I try to savor the little things in life... the cuddling and tickle fights, to even helping them clean their room. a day will come when they wont want my help, wont need my help.

I value life, and pregnancy so much more. I guess i always felt that 'anyone' can get pregnant, seemed like such an easy thing. James and I weren't even trying to get pregnant and we ended up there. Yet now that its been a yr I desire a child, a rainbow after the storm. And we have been unsuccessful. (ok we did get pregnant, but miscarried in August)

a year has gone by, but that doesn't mean the pain is gone, nor the hurt. A yr has gone by yet that doesn't mean i dont miss her everyday.