so not much to say

I dont know what to say or do anymore. I feel like I have lost who I am. I have gone through so much in the last yr- yr and half and even then so much in my lifetime....

Part of me wants to rebel and do whatever I want to do, try to make me happy.... and i realize it is being selfish, but part of me wants to....Then I think about my amazing wonderful supportive husband.... and my dearest children - I would never purposely hurt them. And being that selfish would hurt them.

So here i am back to just getting through the day, just trying to make everyone happy. Certainly not making myself happy. I will be 30 soon and continue to think about all the milestones I have wanted to hit before i was 30.

Wanted to have all my children either by the time I was 30 or during my 30th yr.
Wanted to be in shape (cross that off - I continue to eat my feelings as I grieve over my lost pregnancies)
Wanted to be financially stable - this doesn't mean to be a millionaire or anything- just not living paycheck to paycheck
Wanting to be in college/done with college - guess i should have started this awhile ago as well.
I want a career, not just a job....

I guess as I continue to search for me as I continue to walk this road I will continue to strive for these goals.
I work hard to support my family.