BBQ

So a friend from church had a BBQ and we went, Its just weird for me. I carried my child for 18 weeks (alive) felt her kicking, felt her moving, and saw her amazing little body on the ultrasound screen kicking, moving and waving. Then at 19 weeks 5 days I delivered her and had to bury her.  Being around friends who have babies and being around pregnant people is incredibly hard for me. How am I suppose to be happy for you when I lost my child? When I buried my baby? When I should be standing there with you holding my little girl?


My husband and I are trying to get pregnant and every month is practically torture for me. The counting of days, the waiting, the testing, and then the period still comes... And today I am on my period. So at a BBQ with a dozen women who either are pregnant or just had their babies (within the last 6 months) How am I suppose to feel? I am hurt, so unbelievably hurt. I go to the same church as these women, I believe in the same almighty God as they do, and yet they are holding their baby and I am not. And because it is human nature, I wonder what I have done wrong, what I did to deserve this? To be at an event and to see so many happy pregnant and postpartum women in one place. I believe my Lord has a plan for all of us, and I just wish I understood what my role was in this, and why my life has been thrown so many curve balls.


I am grieving, very much so. Its only been 6 months. 6 months since they told me they couldn't find her heartbeat. 6 months since I had to stomach that I may not get to deliver a healthy baby girl and to take her home with me. 6 months.... and my life has been so much different than I EVER would have imagined it. People dont understand, not really. Sure they can sympathize, but it only lasts so long and then they think you should have moved on. How can I move on? Every day I live without my baby. Every day!


I am trusting in my Lord, and every day I try - just to make it through the day.