Had to make it through the day, I continued to pray for a miracle, but prepare for the worst.... I bargained with my Lord, praying that I would have this child, no matter what would be wrong with her, I would take care of her. No matter what I wanted this baby and promised to be more dedicated to my Lord. I was bargaining,even trying to negotiate with Him...
I had been off work for about 8 weeks now and this whole time I had no income coming in.... that day my disability insurance company called me and let me know they would finally cover me, finally cover the pregnancy and would even cover rest of the pregnancy, the delivery, and maternity leave. In an instant I knew my child had died. I broke down and sobbed and prayed I was wrong. I told my Lord I did not want the money, it meant nothing to me, that all I wanted was my child. My little girl who I had seen only 2 weeks before happy, healthy, on the ultrasound screen, with a strong heartbeat.... I wanted my child.
In that phone call I knew (I have no idea why, but I knew.... )
Later that day I waited for my mom and my husband to get off work so that we can see the ultrasound tech and get an update on our baby. See what was happening. We prayed and hoped for human error, that my child was ok, and the the dr were wrong again as they had been during my first trimester.
At the office I laid on the table and cried, I knew what they would find.... After several minuted she told me the news. "I can't find a heartbeat" But wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound to be sure.... so I used the bathroom and cried.... while the tech switched instruments... again se said she could not find a heartbeat. She said the baby was very little, and had very low fluid, and then handed me a tissue. She called my Dr who offered to see me that day.
I cried on the way to his office, I cried walking down the hall, I cried looking at all those other pregnant women... I cried staring at the baby photos. I tried to make sense of what the Dr was telling me.... My child had died - at 19 weeks pregnant.... It is so unlikely he tells me (like that is suppose to comfort me). I have serveral choices, have a D&C the next day, wait for my body to naturally deliver (however long that could take, up to weeks he said), or have a D&C the next week.
I had to sign paperwork agreeing to a D&C, I did not want to continue being pregnant for weeks and weeks, carrying my child around knowing my baby had already gone to heaven and yet carrying her around, continueing to look pregnant and be tortured by having already lost her? No I didn't want to do that, I don't think it would have been good for my mental health. So we signed up for the following tuesday, I had to sign papers agreeing to "abort" the "product of conception" So nice, this "product of conception" had had a heartbeat only a few days before, and had been seen on screen kicking and moving, Mommy and Daddy had even felt her flutters and kicks..... and here I was agreeing to this procedure to terminate.... I felt so unbelievably sick to my stomach... How could this happen to me? I have 2 amazing children, why would I stay pregnant through the first trimester only to loose her now at 19 weeks? And then to have to agree to abort her??
James and I were in shock, luckily my mom agreed to take my kids out to dinner so James and I could talk. We discussed our feelings breifly... and just held each other. And sobbed. How were we to tell our boys? Andy and Jay had prayed for twin girls, they thought 2 boys and 2 girls would be prefect size family....We knew we were having 1 baby but didn't know she was a girl....yet....
I let James know how upset I was over having to have this procedure done, and that what if the drs were wrong? accidents happen, miracles happen what if we aborted our baby? we agreed that we would ask for another ultrasound the morning of the D&C to triple check and triple confirm.... I could not have felt ok going through with a D&C not knowing......
My mom brought the boys home and we had to tell them. Well actually I let James tell them... I sat in my room and prayed and cried and prayed.... How could this happen to me? After everything I had endured in my life, when do I get a miracle? when do I get the fairy tale ending? when do I get to have an easy life? Everyone else looks so perfect.... and mine.... is such a mess.....
James told the boys and Andy came running into my room and told me to stop crying over the baby cause I looked like I was a crybaby.... LOL he made me laugh. He let me hug and kiss him and cuddle with him... I thank the Lord for my boys.
the next few days are a blur, I remember lying around and eating some days and not eating others... I remember crying and cramping and wanting to not hurt so bad.... the kids were on christmas break I couldnt even get a moment alone, to myself, to grieve for my baby..... I had my boys to take care of.... then came new yrs eve.....
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